Monday, December 27, 2010

dearest 2010, don't let the door hit you in the ass while i kick your ugly mug to the fucking curb

yup, this year was quite the kick in the teeth. there were a few highs- all music-related. some shit went down and it was the kind of shit that helps you figure out who your real friends are and i was surprised and humbled by the grace and loyalty that several people heaped onto me. i have a difficult time thinking that i deserve such treatment even at the best of times so when as many showed me this level of loyalty as did this year i am humbled and endlessly grateful for my unbelievable fortune to have such awesome friends.
2011 i'm hoping will be a reconstruction year- a lot of end-points were met, mostly financial. like every year, i'd like to start getting my debt under control. one of the nice things about having a special needs cat is that we can't really afford to entertain the notion of touring next year. it's going to have to be daytrips here and there. we will most likely get to play in kansas city again next year- probably just as a two-piece, but it'll still be a lot of fun- and i'm hoping we can get one or two more similar trips in. i'm also looking forward to getting some more 'chinese blue' work in there. a few of the tapes with some key tracks have gone missing. i do hope to release the first two 'field of flowers' 7"es. i'm beginning to think that i might just go all microlabel and only press 100 of each of them. i'd also like to release 'christmas suite' as a 12" next christmas. i've got the dvd done and will probably bring a few copies of it to sell at the show tomorrow night, but i would love to get the damned thing pressed to vinyl. time shall tell- what's more i'm pretty sure it's a pipe dream to get two 7"es AND a 12" released in a year without some outside help. it's always been my custom to aim way too high and then, as a result, be pleased that anything turns out. it's kind of my life philosophy.
i'd also like to get myself a new (and better) job in 2011. i should take a number though- from what i've read and heard 85% of the workforce in america is looking to do the same thing. i think everyone who had a job during the recession just stuck it out there thinking that they were better off just staying at a job that was secure rather than looking for something new. what will this mean? i'm not entirely sure...
we shall see...
we shall see...

Thursday, December 23, 2010

'christmas suite' redux

finally finished it. i have burned a handful of dvds with these videos on them to give out at christmas. here it finally is- the whole enchilada.

'christmas suite'

'christmas song'

'christmas song revisited'

'christmas song, pt. iii'

'christmas song, pt. iv'

Friday, December 17, 2010

wrapping things up

things are coming to a close- the 'field of flowers' songs are mixed. i finally have figured out clearly what i want from them, the 'christmas suite' is finished (both the songs and the videos- just have to figure out a way to convert the massive 25 minute video for all four so as to make it uploadable) and 'chinese blue' is in a holding pattern for now. i can't do the final mix for 'field of flowers' until i get my tape machine fixed and i can't do that until i'm back from kc. by mixing down to DAT i've basically convinced myself that i need to mixdown to tape and therefore it would be wise of me to get my tape machine fixed as it's entirely possible that it's a fairly easy fix- i think it might just be some loose wiring as my old tapes still play perfectly fine through the machine.
so, given all of that i'm able to wrap up working on music for the year. this has been the most productive year probably since 2003 or 2006. it seems that when i'm having a troublesome year i throw myself into my work more and the results are quite impressive. 'christmas song, pt. iv' is quite nice, i've got to say- it's rickety in places but it sounds quite beautiful. i've unearthed a few nice mixing secrets lately that have come in handy that i'm going to take back to the troublesome 'field of flowers' tracks (there are only a few right now).
i'm really looking forward to going home for christmas- we'll be home next week, which is very exciting! i'm hoping it'll be very relaxing this year- we're staying at my parents' house which means that i can go across the street to the filling station any time i want (which always makes for a relaxing time for me) and i'm a good deal more comfortable at my parents' place than at the in-laws' place. it's closer to all of the places i like to visit as well. it's not necessarily bad to stay there, i'm just not always as comfortable there. i've also saved quite a bit of money, so i should be able to do lots of fun things while we're home. i'd like to coordinate a trip to the lovegarden in lawrence but, as always, time will be a factor as well as the fact that i won't know what stefanie has gotten me until after we get home.
i think that things are starting to calm down a bit again (for the moment, at least) since the little freakout of last week with the cat. things are getting easier to deal with in my opinion and while the situation is not ideal it's not as grim as i'd initially thought. that's worth something.
right now i'm in the process of uploading a bunch of videos to vimeo as my videos look like crap on youtube and they always look much better on vimeo. i might move everything over to there over the next couple of months.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

best tracks of 2010 mix

this is my best tracks of 2010 playlist- a lot of fun as i get to include songs on 7"es and eps. there are a few repeats from past playlists- it's mainly because they are very loved.

song- artist- album

1. earthquake- deerhunter- halcyon digest
2. marigold- disappears- lux
3. you can take your time- nina nastasia- outlaster
4. death rattles- woods- at echo lake
5. shake the shackles- crystal stilts- shake the shackles 7"
6. sitting sick- woven bones- hozac hookup klub volume one compilation
7. crossed wires- superchunk- majesty shredding
8. bellringer blues- grinderman- grinderman 2
9. flash bats- thee oh sees- warm slime
10. this is the first of your last warning (english version)- the brian jonestown massacre- one 12"
11. rest of our lives- dum dum girls- i will be
12. scotland's shame- mogwai- special moves
13. stranded- the walkmen- lisbon
14. my boat is sinking- the black angels- phosphene dream bonus tracks
15. i wanted everything- kurt vile- square shells ep
16. he's gone- vivian girls- my love will follow me 7"
17. '81- joanna newsom- have one on me
18. real love- beach house- teen dream

diary 12.15.10- 'tis the season

song- artist- album

1. christmas song- mogwai- ep+2
2. birthday- the jesus and mary chain- munki
3. last caress- dum dum girls- bhang bhang i'm a burnout 7"
4. inside looking out- the animals- inside looking out 7"
5. snowstorm- galaxie 500- on fire
6. grains of sand- opal- early recordings
7. how to bring a blush to the snow- cocteau twins- victorialand
8. basement scene- deerhunter- halcyon digest
9. ca a rate- françoise hardy- the yeh-yeh girl from paris
10. i love you- a band of bees- free the bees
11. blue christmas- low- christmas
12. winter- moon duo- silver bells 7"
13. o, tannenbaum- wooden shjips- o, tannenbaum 12"
14. christmas song- medicine- shot forth self living
15. julie don't go down- cheval sombre- cheval sombre
16. i do not care for the winter sun- beach house- i do not care for the winter sun
17. no provenance- joanna newsom- have one on me

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

best of 2010

1. beach house- ‘teen dream’

my criteria for picking my five favourite records released this year has been very simple- i’ve merely had to choose the five records i listened to repeatedly in order of frequency. ‘teen dream’ sweeps this category- never in my life have i become so addicted to a single record (or band for that matter) as i did for this record. the only parallel i can draw from my own life to this experience is the days when my cure obsession was in its infancy. i’m not entirely sure what to say about this record that would do it justice- the songs are gorgeous, buoyant and ridiculously well-written. everything is utilized to achieve maximum effect- this seems to be something that comes so naturally to these two gifted musicians- victoria legrand has an amazing voice and way with old keyboards that would be kitschy and obnoxious in less capable hands and alex scally is a fantastic guitarist- someone who has the proper amount of respect for and ability to properly utilize reverb, which is not even to mention his way with slide guitar and the simple, inventive lines that he seems to be able to come up with so effortlessly. sheer perfection. ‘real love’ is high up in my list of favourite songs ever- it’s almost like it was put on this earth for me to adore for the rest of my life. i’m pretty sure i’m not alone in feeling this way. best record released in quite a long time. i don’t really care what they do next- near complete immunity. ‘white moon’ on that itunes exclusive ep is certainly pointing in a promising direction.

2. deerhunter- ‘halcyon digest'

ah, the new deerhunter. i don’t know what it is about these guys, but they get me every time. they're a 'love or hate' band and i'm firmly in the former category. i didn’t think much of this album when i first listened to it- i’d thought they’d gone a bit soft and poppy but then upon repeated listens i found that they had done a more admirable job of tempering their pop tendencies with some very bold experimentalism than they had since ‘cryptograms’ (which will probably always be in a league of its own in their body of work which will most likely grow to a pretty generous size). it’s nice to see a pitchfork pet that actually lives up to all of the hype and accolades heaped upon them- most pitchfork pets don’t. i love the last track the best. they are great with their album-closing tracks and also a sublime ep band (check out ‘rainwater cassette exchange’- which also took some time for me to warm up to and goes with this record the way that ‘fluorescent grey’ went with ‘cryptograms’).

3. dum dum girls- ‘i will be’

i was excited for this to come out. i managed to snag one of the hozac records copies (although not one of the 200 gold vinyl ones). i found the ‘catholicked’ 12” at reckless long after it’d gone out of print- something that i’m usually not lucky or savvy enough to accomplish. i saw it in the vinyl stacks three times before i finally bought it. what they’re doing seems so simple that anyone could do it and yet these songs are all so great in their own way. they are definitely mining similar territory to the vivian girls, but i’d say with a less punk-inspired, more tuneful bent. i seem cursed to never get to see them live. they have a way with covers that i would compare to galaxie 500’s (in other words, great). i am also one of those people who got into black tambourine after hearing the dum dum girls’ cover of ‘throw aggi off the bridge.’ really looking forward to what they do next and hopefully finally seeing them play live- i begin to wish that i’d dropped the $45 to see them and beach house open for vampire weekend. it’s kind of fun to do something like that and leave the venue just before the headliner comes on and all of the late-comers start showing up in droves.

4. thee oh sees- ‘warm slime’

i have loved nearly everything jon dwyer has done with thee oh sees so far. i find it effortless to love them in their mellow phase and their rocked-up garagey phase. this album combines pretty much everything i love about music of this ilk- long drawn-out jams, sheer noise and some wonderfully toe-tapping songs. i didn’t think much of this album when i first put it on mostly thinking to myself that ‘help!’ was better until i put ‘help!’ on one day right after listening to ‘warm slime’ and it revealed to me just how tame ‘help!’ sounded in comparison to this. what’s more one of the most satisfying and fantastic live experiences i’ve ever had was thee oh sees at lincoln hall this year. i figured they’d play for 45 minutes max considering how ridiculously fast they were playing. nope. try almost an hour and a half.

5. disappears- ‘lux'

this is what happens when pared-down music is done properly. this album is the textbook definition of finely honed and not in an auto-tune, pro-tools, tons of overdubs kind of way- disappears go for pure economy. wow, does it work here! not a single part, note, riff, tone or hook overstays its welcome. it’s also refreshing to hear that this was done in a purely live setting. can’t wait to hear what they release next. also a fantastic live band that somehow knows how to capture that frenetic energy on record. i’m very bummed to hear that their drummer is no longer with them as he is a crucial element to what makes this sound work so well.

honorable mentions-

normally i only buy about five or so of the new records released in any given year, but this year was a bonanza and there’ve been so many records that i’ve really loved that didn’t quite crack into the top five and these would be a good example of some of those records-

nina nastasia- ‘outlaster’

normally any new nina nastasia record would be a shoe-in for the top five as i love pretty much everything she’s done. this is also probably her all-around strongest record both in the arrangements and the material. ‘wakes’ is a fucking awesome song. yikes. ‘some familiar way’ is pretty amazing as well as some of the lighter songs like ‘cry, cry baby’ and ‘take your time.’ nina’s two-night stint at the hideout last year (which was supposedly recorded for a live release- when’s that one coming out?) was one of the best in my show-going experiences last year (the warlocks two-night stint at the empty bottle would probably be the only other experience that topped it). i also always love it when a record by one of my favourite artists somehow arrives out of nowhere- i didn’t even know this record was coming out until about a week after it was released.

woods- ‘at echo lake’

i didn’t get into woods until this year. i can’t remember what the impetus was for buying ‘songs of shame’- i think my friend mike can take the credit for that- but it motivated us to go see them at lincoln hall earlier this year just before this record came out. in a lot of ways i like this record more than ‘songs of shame’ although stefanie maintains that this is a silly comparison to make (because she thinks that ‘songs of shame’ is untouchable). to me these songs sound a bit more varied as far as instrumentation and mood. fantastic record!

the walkmen- ‘lisbon’

again, normally a shoe-in for the top five as i love the direction that the walkmen have been taking lately. ‘you and me’ was in the top five two years ago and i played (and continue to play) that thing constantly. i like ‘lisbon,’ but to me ‘you and me’ is still my favourite record of theirs. ‘lisbon’ i’d put in third place behind ‘everybody who pretended to like me is gone.’ my main gripe about this record is that it gets off to a bit of a sluggish start and doesn’t really get going until the nearly-perfect ‘blue as your blood’/’stranded’ one-two punch. those two songs are fantastic! ‘blue as your blood’ would’ve been a great lead-off track- the walkmen did open with it when they played at pitchfork last year. the strings on this track are in line with the kinds of emotional colours I’m going for in my own string arrangements. so. good. i also am enjoying this sort of winter-theme that keeps running through the walkmen’s music lately. ‘you and me’ had a distinctly winter/christmastime bent running through it. in keeping with that ‘while I shovel snow’ is one of my favourites on here as well. i hope that the walkmen keep going along these lines for a long time indeed- perhaps they’re entering a phase similar to neil young’s mid-70’s period.

grinderman- ‘grinderman 2'

i didn’t think much of the first grinderman album. it was definitely fun to hear nick cave do stuff that was similar to the birthday party stuff and ‘no pussy blues’ and ‘tell the women’ were great tracks, but then ‘dig, lazarus, dig!’ came out and blew that grinderman album right out of the water. in similar fashion this album has come along and blown ‘dig, lazarus, dig!’ out of the water. i am ceaselessly amazed at how nick cave is somehow able to continue to top himself lyrically as well as musically this late in his career. inspiring to say the least. this album is one that smolders. i also love pants-down shamelessly horny lyrics and this record is practically a graduate course in how no one else can pull this off as well as nick cave. ‘bellringer blues’ is one of the most brilliant tracks i’ve heard in years regardless of who’s done it. warren ellis’ genius is all over this monster of a record as well. great stuff!

superchunk- ‘majesty shredding’

yup, aptly named album. i keep thinking that ‘digging for something’ is a lost gem from the ‘on the mouth’ era. while listening to this record i often have to remind myself that this album just came out. while we didn’t see them at the metro this year, seeing them play at the metro in 2007 was a great experience- they’ve lost not an ounce of their vitality over time. superchunk records don’t exist to reinvent the wheel- they exist to showcase superchunk in their natural, superchunky state- which actually is a unique musical viewpoint in and of itself no matter what anyone says. furthermore who cares what anyone says. this record is the perfect example of this pure superchunk state of which i am speaking. i also never thought they’d make another record, let alone one like this.

the brian jonestown massacre- ‘who killed sgt. pepper’

while i did really enjoy this album it seems to me to be more of a diversion than an indication of a new direction from anton newcombe. while i enjoyed it more than ‘my bloody underground’ (which is still a very cool record) i can’t say i’ve put it on the turntable in a long time. ‘detka! detka! detka!’ is a fun, beautiful and very inspired song as are several other tracks on the record. it got knocked out of the frequently played records rotation very quickly by all of the other amazing stuff coming out this year (there really was a lot). it’s always a pleasure to hear what tangents anton is going off on, but i do sort of hope that he makes some kind of return to that somewhat classic bjm sound (whatever that means) or at least records another record with his fantastic live band. it seems silly to have someone like matt hollywood involved with the group again and not have him play on the records. when we saw them at the metro this year i was also disappointed that they didn’t play a single song from this record as i’ve always loved what they’ve done with the new stuff with that amazing live band that they’ve got going. i was hoping they would kick around ‘detka!’ or ‘our time’ would’ve worked beautifully as well. ‘feel it’ is an old track and i figured it would at least give them an excuse to wow us with a blistering, jammed-out version of that song (which i’ve heard on many a bootleg, but never in person). shit, they didn’t even play ‘yeah yeah’ or ‘someplace else unknown’ (which worked very well live, i have to say) like they did last year.

joanna newsom- ‘have one on me’

we were way late to the game on this one. we fell off of the joanna newsom wagon with ‘y’s’- we heard it wasn’t any good so neither of us either bothered to buy it. by the time this record arrived we had all but forgotten about her. i’d heard that this one was a good record, but didn’t end up buying it until stefanie’s birthday. not sure if it would’ve placed higher had i known about it’s beauty earlier or not, but regardless this is a fantastic record! this is a triple record that somehow manages to retain a sense of being pared-down. these are very complex songs that are handled in a very restrained way- a very curious approach as most songwriters attempting something as dangerous as a triple lp would either go the complete saturation route (i.e. ‘sandinista!’ by the clash, which is actually the only other triple lp that comes to mind) or probably dive straight into the whole self-indulgent route head first. joanna newsom does neither. even tracks that feature more than piano or harp and voice do so in an interesting way- the tracks wind through passages where they wander in and out of a more fleshed-out form. since ‘sandinista!’ is the only other triple lp i’ve ever encountered i’m going to have to say that this record succeeds more as a fully conceived record than ‘sandinista!’ does. newsom’s voice takes on a completely new form here as well. she sounds uncannily like kate bush at multiple points. how could that be a bad thing?! one final note- perfect winter album.

moon duo- ‘escape,’ plus pretty much everything else they put out this year, which is a lot

i scrambled to buy everything that moon duo released as i’ve always had problems scooping up those wooden shjips releases that appear out of nowhere and then are eaten up in a feeding frenzy and then impossible to come by often days after the fact. ‘escape’ was ironically probably my least favourite of their releases- i always thought of it as the counter image of the much better ‘killing time’ ep- which was more restrained and succinct where ‘escape’ was sprawling, droney and quite loud. now that it comes to mind i find it difficult to believe that that’s a bad thing. such is the nature of pretty much everything i’ve heard so far by moon duo. seeing them live was pretty cool this year (not to mention the fact that wooden shjips finally played in chicago a few weeks before) and their holiday single is fantastic (as is the wooden shjips one- impossible not to mention them when speaking of moon duo). i’d listened to this record (and the ‘love on the sea’ 12”, the ‘catch as catch can’ 7”, the ‘bopper’s hat’ split 7” and the ‘killing time’ ep) so many times that i’d completely forgotten that this record had actually come out in 2010- it seems like moon duo has been around for years. could there be a better testament to such a band? stay tuned for the december diary playlist, in which i shall place their cover of the rolling stones song ‘winter’ (which is fucking AMAZING) which was purchased today (along with the wooden shjips christmas release). they can be as repetitive and droney as they want at this point if these are the results.

biggest disappointments-

best coast- ‘crazy for you’

i’m beginning to think that i’m sitting on this lp waiting for it to go out of print so i can sell it on ebay because i don’t listen to it anymore. i bought it based on a review that i read for it in ‘the onion.’ i even listened to all of their songs on their myspace page. i find the lyrics and general lyrical theme to be repetitive, annoying and riddled with seemingly purposely chosen clichés. it’s even the kind of subject matter i like in songs, but done in such a hacky, tossed-off way. don’t want to ‘dress up’ your lyrics about yearning in a poetic way like all those losers do? guess what, yearning is poetic (read any lovelorn poem about longing or yearning written since the fucking middle ages for evidence) so you might as well make a contribution if that’s what you’re feeling. the music is pretty good most of the time, but it’s mining the same territory that so many other bands are drawing from and most of them in a way that is better, more inventive and varied than this (the dum dum girls record mentioned earlier is a good example or even the vivian girls’ album ‘everything goes wrong’ from last year). i’m beginning to think that this is a band that’s best taken in small doses and the explanation for their ridiculous hype is the fact that all of their previous releases were 7”es. this happens sometimes.

the black angels- ‘phosphene dream’

i can’t put this in with my favourites out of sheer frustration. while the majority of this record is so great there are some gripes about the way that it was released as well as one other bone of great contention for me- the single ‘telephone.’ two minutes of music by one of my favourite bands has never caused me as much rage as that song does- it’s the kind of hacky, sloppy, lazy, pandering crap that i’d expect from so many other bands, but never in a million years from the band that created something as sprawling, inspired and brilliant as ‘directions to see a ghost’- which is a masterpiece of modern-day psychedelic drone music. anyone who claims it’s not an overt and obvious grab at mainstream stardom is full of shit. playing pure, passionate psychedelic music is not going to endear you to the mainstream these days, but one of the reasons that the best modern-day psych bands are such treasures is that they are so passionate and dedicated that this is a sacrifice they are willing to make for the sake of doing something new with a type of music that has very deep roots and endless potential for expansion. i can’t help but feel like this is the sound of the black angels taking all of the brilliant work that they have done in the past and diluting it to the point where they are using up all of their previously built-up cache. there’s bone of contention number one. bone of contention number two is the issue of the six bonus tracks offered with different versions of the digital album through separate digital outlets. this is probably the result of record company meddling as is a lot of the previous griping. several of the six tracks outshine several of the tracks that made the final album that had more of a mainstream bent. ‘my boat is sinking’ is a track that hints at an entirely new direction that the black angels could take- why the fuck isn’t it on the fucking album? even if they had put it as the last track the album would’ve still clocked in at under 45 minutes and it wouldn’t’ve just ground to a halt after ‘the sniper’ (which is also a great track). as it is the album is very lean with a running time of 35 minutes. the single lp (which i thought was a double lp with some bonus material) cost me $23. shame, shame, shame record company- you’ve left a really bad taste in my mouth under the guise of one of my favourite modern-day psych bands. there are times where i’m endlessly frustrated with the fact that the warlocks will probably never get the attention and popularity that they are due, but then there are times like these where it makes me not want them to get pulled into this kind of record-company-marshalled mainstream corralling and corruption of a great band and then it makes me admire the dogged determination and purity of spirit that permeates a band like the warlocks, because this is an example of what happens when a psych band goes for the mainstream. all of that said as a whole i enjoy ‘phosphene dream’ and do find that this pared-down setup works for a majority of the songs and the album has a very nice flow (until you get to ‘telephone’) with only a few crassly pandering tracks. this is why the fans of the band banded together to gather the six bonus tracks and sent out links to downloads of all of them. illegal, yes, but consider it a lesson for the record companies- sometimes they leave us no choice but to steal it rather than willingly be fleeced. given all of the gripes about mainstream pandering the band IS mining new territory on this album- which is incredibly admirable as a band in a similar position to them probably would’ve been able and willing to coast on carbon copies of albums as great as ‘directions to see a ghost’ or ‘passover.’ i HIGHLY recommend that you track down the six bonus tracks as they are an essential companion to this album.

Friday, December 10, 2010

dean and britta play galaxie 500 review

i went to see dean and britta on friday night (the first of the two nights) play galaxie 500 songs. it was interesting because i was mainly interested in seeing them play some of their own stuff and figured that they'd mix in a bunch of old galaxie 500 songs but played in their own way. i was completely wrong- all they did was play galaxie songs and pretty much exactly the way that they were on the records. britta phillips even played naomi yang's bass parts exactly the same as well damon's drum parts being completely carbon copied by the drummer. to me what this ended up doing was underscoring the awkwardness of damon and naomi's absence and their inimitable contributions to galaxie 500's sound. granted dean wareham's stamp is the one that looms the largest, but for wareham to give out the parts that they contributed to be reproduced ad nauseum seemed very audacious and a little offensive to me (i can only imagine how damon and naomi feel about it). i wasn't able to get past this the entire night. another thing that i found to be a massive bummer was how clean, neat and polished the band sounded. wareham's guitar sound was spit-shined practically and one of my favourite things about galaxie has always been the abandoned passionate playing of three people who are going for heart over perfection. in a lot of ways at the end of the night i felt like i should've just stayed home and watched 'don't let our youth go to waste.' they even played 'listen, the snow is falling' and had britta sing it. she sang it beautifully and the music sounded spot-on and wareham was able to coax some really cool sounds out of his guitar during the ending section that i really enjoyed, but the whole thing just felt so wrong- of all of the songs that they played i think that that was one that i cherish that i actually wished they would've had the decency not to play. the way that naomi yang sang this song was so representative of everything about galaxie that i've always loved and for them to play it the way that they did having someone else sing it was to trample it. i sat there listening to it thinking of the murky single-camcorder bootleg version that's on 'don't let our youth go to waste.' to me, that is the definitive live version of the song and i would've preferred it over watching what i saw live.
basically this show is the perfect example of everything that's troubling about this plague of reunion shows by bands from the golden era of alternative music that's been going on for years and years at this point. 90% of the time the fire has long since gone out even if you can get all of the original members up on the stage together. there are reasons for all things that end. the only exception i would make to this statement would be the my bloody valentine show at the aragon two years ago- that was a case of pushing things forward and settling unfinished business and (hopefully, although it's rapidly becoming a fainter and fainter hope) delivering on the promise of new material that never surfaced. also, my bloody valentine never officially disbanded so for them to get back together is more dignified. they didn't play any new material, but at least there is some in the works even though it's taken over a decade to not hear any of it. on the other side of the spectrum was what i experienced at lincoln hall on friday. they played all of my favourites of theirs that i'd always wished i could've experienced live, classic after classic- 'blue thunder,' 'strange,' 'tugboat,' 'fourth of july,' 'don't let our youth go to waste,' basically any galaxie 500 you would ever want to hear and they were all played note-perfectly but a majority of them lacked that fire and passion that is so evident on those old recordings and live videos on the aforementioned dvd. there was such a passion and intensity there that it drove three very ordinary people to pick up their chosen instruments and create something incredibly unique that the most experienced and virtuosic musicians couldn't create if they were locked in a room for ten years. it was so inspiring and unique and brilliant. they were also smart enough to leave all of their mistakes and studied awkwardness in- their bravery and passion made them all the more admirable for what they were doing because they had those fantastic songs that still sound so simple, fresh and inimitable even today. this is simply a spirit that couldn't possibly be recreated, let alone by only one member backed up by a bunch of others playing carbon-copies of the parts laid down on the albums. the only song that came across to me as an impassioned performance was 'strange' which sounded great and was emotionally stirring and resonant. even 'blue thunder' did nothing for me and it's probably my favourite galaxie 500 song- you'd think that hearing it live by anyone would be enough to get me excited, but by the middle the song had been drained of all of it's feeling. it just felt like someone who wrote a ton of great songs twenty years ago out for a fat payday, which is a shame because dean wareham is still writing great material. another highlight of the night for me was their cover of 'i'll keep it with mine' from the newest dean and britta record (the only non-galaxie song that they played all night). i read that sean eden turned up at the second show and they played a few classic luna songs- personally i think that that would've been preferable to what i saw. i was so excited when these shows were announced that i almost bought a ticket for the second show as well. i'm quite glad that i didn't now.
so all in all this was probably the last 'big' show that i'll be seeing this year and it was a gigantic disappointment- probably as big of a disappointment as seeing spectrum last year at the darkroom. i can tell i've seen a crappy show when i lumber into work the next day on only three hours of sleep (i have to get up and go to work on saturday mornings at 5:45am) and in my mind i can tell whether or not it was worth the sleep deprivation. dean and britta play galaxie 500 was not worth it i'm sorry to say.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

'julie, don't go down'

in the on-going cat drama that has taken over our lives stefanie took robin to the vet yesterday because he got really fussy with his food and quit eatting. they did his blood work a week early and the findings were not good- his levels were elevated again and he was headed for another crash. now we have to do the sub-q treatments every day- which is terrible news. not necessarily because of what it means for us but more for him. stefanie spent some time taking back the rental car she'd gotten to take him in and while she was gone i had some time to myself to think about it and get upset and angry. by the time she came back i was really angry. mainly i was just upset because there's always all of this extraneous bullshit going on all around us and coming from every angle and frankly none of it matters to me a whit now- robin could leave us at any minute and this is very sad. i thought we were doing such a good job and he seemed to be feeling so much better but it just underscored the fact that no matter how much we do we can only postpone the inevitable and that eventually it will not be enough to keep him around. such bad news kind of underscored the 'sooner than later' aspect of this whole thing. supposedly he'll be fine if we give him a treatment on the morning we leave (which stefanie will have to do with a friend of ours' help as i'll be opening the shop that day) to visit kansas city for four days. it's going to be difficult to be away for four days wondering if he's going to be okay and it's already going to be difficult enough to relax while we're home (some mild and petty family bullshit is already beginning to erupt that i frankly don't have the patience for at this point given all that's going on and has gone down with the cat) and now we'll be worried about him the whole time we're gone. i want to go home still, though- i've left town twice this entire year and both for incredibly rushed visits. i would open up a vein for a proper vacation. the last kc trip was fun, but very rushed and i think i had a grand total of three whole hours to myself where i didn't have to do anything. i didn't even have time to get together with mike. this whole thing with our cat is adding a whole dimension to the whole thing. we're not ready to lose him, but it appears that we're going to very soon and i've been bracing myself for it from the moment we heard this really awful news. however much i do so i'm sure it won't be enough to prepare me for when it actually happens, i'd just like to enjoy the time that we have left with him and do whatever i can to extend that time as long as he's happy and has a good quality of life. because of all of this my tolerance and caring for most daily bullshit is nonexistant. it's kind of nice because i don't care about much of anything now. it makes it incredibly easy to be at work now. it's helped give me a lot of perspective.

Friday, December 3, 2010

the three week endurance test

i'm happy that i have so much to do in the coming weeks as it would be hugely beneficial to me to not have to spend much money as i'm way behind on my christmas shopping. so far i've only bought one birthday present for my dad. i haven't even started any of my christmas shopping. yikes.
things are things right now. i dunno. the band is pretty much ready for the martyrs' show- we have our first full band practice for it on tuesday. we're also going to record strings for 'christmas song pt. iv.' i'm still trying to figure out what to do for a video for that one. i don't have a terrible amount of ideas for it- a few little loose bits in there, but not much more... it hasn't snowed much yet, so that's made it a bit tough. i'm pretty happy with the new 'christmas song, pt. iii' video- much moreso than the old one. i wanted to get the videos together and try to burn dvd-r's of them. i was going to have the tracks mastered as well. i will probably take 'pale' off of the current release and put 'christmas song, pt. iv' in there and use 'pale' as a b-side for the 'falling stars' digital single along with 'all hope is blind' and possibly 'your pictures' or 'down to the willows.' i was also thinking of finishing 'flowers' by adding a bass part and a few guitars to stand in for what i thought up for a string part. i suppose i'd better get going on that stuff.
nothing much else to report- i haven't recorded anything new in quite a while. the day after thanksgiving i spent doing some post-production stuff- adding reverbs to a few things- our 'real love' cover (which i fleshed out with a few extra parts) and 'christmas song, pt. iv' which turned out really beautifully. i'm going to secretly keep the original strings part and double the new one. i think it might work very nicely and make things extra dreamy. the track is really starting to come along and i'm much more happy with it than i was when i did the first mixes and i think re-recording the strings with everyone around will be a bit easier this time out. at least i hope so.
i've figured out a solution to my tape calibration blues- i need to get to work on that asap. i started messing around with the tone generator on audacity and i have the right tones loaded into my itunes- i was going to calibrate the record function first and then record the tones onto a tape and keep that as my calibration tape. at first i'd thought that this wouldn't work, but i believe that it definitely should. we'll see, i suppose. yikes. maybe that's what i should get to work on when i get home. i'm a little afraid to give it a shot, but i think it should be fine. i've been able to figure out how to do all sorts of things on my own and i have a little how-to guide that i found online and it makes sense to me, so it should work just fine, dammit! it'll probably take several hours, but i have that kind of time today. i have visions of it getting very dark in the music room as i'm in there working away.
tonight we're going to a show at lincoln hall and then i have to work in the morning nice and early. i believe stefanie is going to want to cab it back to our place as the show doesn't start until 10. i'm beginning to think that my show-going days are coming to a close. several great shows are coming through next year during the months of february and march. i keep meaning to get godspeed tickets, for example. i think that katelyn and aleksa want to go, but i'm reticent to buy them tickets after the kurt vile incident... other than that it's two shows at the empty bottle- disappears and dum dum girls. hopefully we'll finally get to see the dum dum girls live- it's only taken a fucking age for them to come through without being an opening band.
so it goes i suppose... so it goes...
also i might almost be finished mixing the 'field of flowers' tracks and then i'm hoping that i can get those tracks mastered along with the 'christmas suite' tracks with my christmas money. at least that's what i hope will happen... haw haw haw...

Saturday, November 27, 2010

more video

close to half done with all 11 tracks from 'all hope is blind.' 2nd version of 'christmas song, pt. iii.'

shalloboi- christmas song, pt. iii (v2) from shalloboi on Vimeo.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

'let's try to forget...'

the drama at work continues. the shadowy figure of past entries turned out to be undermining me in bigger and worse ways than i had previously thought and actually almost managed to get me fired some time back merely for being negative. the irony of this is that my manager (who i butt heads with all the time and complain about endlessly) was my only defender in this case and managed to convince the power that would be (who i've never trusted and have had a lot of misgivings about since he took over) that i didn't deserve to be fired for being negative since he said that he's never seen me get even remotely irate with a single customer in the nearly three years i've been working there (which is actually completely true). i probably shouldn't've found out about this, but i'm glad that i did because now i know who i can trust and who i can't. the silver lining is also that i've seen how fiercely loyal my true friends are- something i have a tendency to forget and overlook. i'm always surprised at how loyal people are to me and i find it very humbling and heartening. for as shitty as some people can be for no reason (not sure who i mean in this particular situation) others will respond in the best of ways. it's reassuring to know that people care. one of my greatest downfalls is that i forget this constantly in my narcissism. i'd suppose one of my strengths is that, despite my self-absorption, i am able to recognize positive things in others. i have a tendency to think the worst of people and the opposite is true more often than not.
i'm trying to put a more positive pro-active spin on this year. our cat robin is becoming one of my heroes- he is getting better and better behaved about his sub-q treatments and seems to show an amazing ability and understanding of the situation. he doesn't even seem to hold it against us for doing these treatments and seems to understand that they are making him feel healthy and he is probably healthier now than he's been for quite some time. i hope this trend continues, but i suspect that it should as with all of the sites that we've been reading about cats with crf it seems that they are often smart enough to grasp that the treatments do them good and are capable of relaxing during their treatments despite the fact that they are uncomfortable. it also appears that it's not going to be as expensive as we'd previously thought. i hope he hangs on for years and not months.
on the show-obtaining front i'm going to try to keep up hope. i'm also going to start working on more music to hopefully sell as stock music for films, tv, video games, etc. i've been reading up on that stuff and i think it's finally time for me to get going on giving this a fair shake. what could it hurt and maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. why not give it a shot?

Friday, November 19, 2010

'ride the streets into the dawn...'

haven't written a personal entry in a while. our cat, robin, has been in and out of the vet a lot in the last few weeks because he has feline chronic renal failure, which is basically a terminal disease. we are giving him sub-q treatments for it (we just did the second one last night) in order to delay the onset, but really all we can do is delay it. for how long, we don't know- months or maybe years. sub-q treatments basically means we have to hook him up to an iv to give him fluids that help his kidneys function properly. we also have to feed him some special food that's low in protein. it's kind of difficult to come to terms with since it's essentially fighting a losing battle, but we want him around for as long as he is happy to be around and therefore we will fight it until that is no longer the case. he's been acting mostly like his normal, sweet self again lately and seems to be doing better than he has in years (he's always had a dry skin problem- probably an early indicator of this problem). he isn't quite as active as he was before the episode that caused us to take him to the vet (he started puking a bunch one night, got really lethargic and quit grooming himself)- he used to gallop across the apartment back and forth and he doesn't do that anymore. i did catch him trying to sharpen his claws on the leather chair the other day, which he isn't allowed to do but i found encouraging nevertheless.
basically, in a nutshell, this year officially blows- the whole brandon bullshit, the shitty, depressing summer, all of this crap that's gone down at work, our friends' greyhound seth (who we used to housesit for and spend a lot of time with- we were very fond of him as he was a total sweetheart) passing away and now our cat getting crf. what's more stefanie and i are just now getting over a monstrous cold. the only silver linings have been the handful of amazing shows we've played this year (only four), my sister's wedding and claire's wedding- which were both really fun.
i've also gotten a lot of quality music recorded this year- i just went through a bit of a creative fit earlier in the month. i have several mixes of 'chinese blue' tracks, some of them finals, most of them still needing strings or vocals by stefanie. i'm going to still try to buy some calibration tape and get a bunch of stuff mastered and the 'christmas suite' single is still in play- i just started on a new version of 'christmas song, pt. iii' last night that's already coming along very nicely (i'm not too wild about the first version of it). everything's going to be alright, dammit! i'm really hoping that 2011 is better than 2010, but then i was also hoping that 2010 would be better than 2009 and we ended up getting monstrously sick right around new year's day while we were housesitting for jay and diana. i didn't get over it until february. who knows. but anyway, boo on this year. i'm glad it's almost over and i'm hoping christmas will be fun at least.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

the long-awaited 'falling stars' video

finally finished it last week. being beyond broke was quite the motivating factor-

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

diary 11.17.10- just out of reach

1. blue moon revisited (song for elvis)- cowboy junkies- the trinity session
2. these arms of mine- otis redding- best of...
3. just out of reach (of my two open arms)- solomon burke- definitive soul collection
4. i can't reach you- the who- ...sell out
5. you're on my mind- the animals- inside looking out 7"
6. child of the moon- the rolling stones- jumpin' jack flash 7"
7. never, ever- brian jonestown massacre- acid 7"
8. nine million rainy days- the jesus & mary chain- darklands
9. rainwater cassette exchange- deerhunter- rainwater cassette exchange
10. the tangent- the warlocks- surgery
11. the last beat of my heart- siouxsie and the banshees- peepshow
12. tomorrow's taken- mojave 3- ask me tomorrow
13. place to be- nick drake- pink moon
14. while i shovel the snow- the walkmen- lisbon
15. the slide song- spiritualized- pure phase
16. to wish impossible things- the cure- show
17. shots and ladders- low- trust

haven't had a chance to listen to this one yet. i always think that i'm surrounded by songs of yearning, longing and intense emotion and yet it was kind of hard to find enough to fill this playlist. the old standbys came to the rescue, fortunately. i suppose that i'm doing a good job of contributing to songs of this ilk in my generation- there aren't a lot of pitchfork bands doing it. fucking slackers! now, to draw some attention to it... hrmmmm...

Friday, October 29, 2010

covers playlist

someone at work challenged me to come up with a covers playlist when i criticized hers. i would like to say that i think that this playlist blows hers out of the water and with a cheeky reference to all of the gram parsons/burrito brothers stuff she's been playing lately. the dinosaur jr. one isn't the best, but i find it incredibly entertaining and i just couldn't pass on the chance to line up these two covers from the same time period. plus the belly one is exquisite if you ask me.

song- artist- album (original artist)
1. anyway that you want me- spiritualized®- the complete works (the troggs)
2. sailor- the brian jonestown massacre- bravery, repitition and noise (the cryan shames)
3. if i stay too long- thee oh sees- raven sings the blues compilation vol. 2 (the creation)
4. alphabet street- the jesus & mary chain- come on (prince)
5. lonesome town- holly golightly- singles roundup (ricky nelson)
6. hot burrito #1- belly- sweet ride (the flying burrito brothers)
7. hot burrito #2- dinosaur jr.- green mind (the flying burrito brothers)
8. golden hair- hope sandoval & the warm inventions- golden hair (syd barrett)
9. look for me (i'll be around)- neko case- blacklisted (kadie lester)
10. nightime- elliott smith- empty bottle 2000 bootleg (big star)
11. some things last a long time- beach house- devotion (daniel johnston)
12. listen, the snow is falling- galaxie 500- this is our music (yoko ono)
13. honey- mogwai- tribute to spacemen 3 (spacemen 3)
14. when tomorrow hits- spacemen 3- recurring (mudhoney)
15. walking & falling/over & over- spectrum- war sucks 12" (laurie anderson)
16. song to the siren- this mortal coil (or cocteau twins if you prefer)- it'll end in tears

diary 10.15.10- cloudbusting

diary 10.15.10

song- artist- album
1. bad vibrations- the black angels- phosphene dream
2. catholicked- dum dum girls- catholicked 12"
3. mary, please- the brian jonestown massacre- take it from the man
4. the black angel's death song- the velvet underground- paris bataclan '72
5. going down slow- the animals- animalism
6. lazy line painter jane- belle & sebastian- lazy line painter jane
7. plastic palace people- scott walker- scott 2
8. cloudbusting- kate bush- hounds of love
9. torch song- the walkmen- lisbon
10. feeling of gaze- hope sandoval & the warm inventions- bavarian fruit bread
11. slow life- grizzly bear (w/ victoria legrand)- new moon soundtrack (i swear i didn't buy it)
12. cry to me- solomon burke- definitive soul collection
13. mogwai fear satan- mogwai- special moves
14. he would have laughed- deerhunter- halcyon digest
15. 10 mile stereo- beach house- zebra 12"

Saturday, October 23, 2010

'i woke up in the middle of the night...'

i've managed to steal away a little alone time here at the filling station in kansas city- among my favourite coffee shops ever. the last two days have been a bit chaotic to say the least. each day seems like an eternity and yet it's gone so quickly. i'm going to do my best to relax today and not worry about anything that's going down tonight (which would be me playing the music at my sister's wedding). it's been a very fun trip, though, and aleksa and katelyn (who came with us) seem to be having a lot of fun and it's been so nice to be away from chicago for a while (as short as the duration is). i'm flush with money (for now, anyway) and it's been nice to be on a trip and do pretty much anything i've felt like doing and not having to worry about money as i saved $300 for this trip, not including my share of the stipend that my dad gave us.
every time i come back to kansas city my experience seems to be completely different from the previous time. last time was not very nostalgic and neither is this time. i kind of feel the things about this town that i am used to remembering are kind of slipping away. kind of sad, but also probably to be expected and probably to continue as i get older. it has been fun seeing things through the eyes of the people we brought with us- so much about it that we find so humdrum that we probably shouldn't.
one thing about weddings that i always find so fascinating is the sheer number of relatives who come out who you forget about. so many.
i'm looking forward to getting home tomorrow- i hope that we don't get as late of a start. i could honestly do with another day away, but them's the breaks! it'd be so nice to be able to go to the brunch that my parents are throwing tomorrow and just relax for the rest of the day before hitting the road, but it's just not in the cards. i'm fairly certain that i should be fine from the whole financial standpoint- something i've been pretty worried about as i was hoping against hope that i'd have some money to pay my credit card bill for my train ticket and also have the $100 that i'm missing out on from not working today or tomorrow. i suppose if that doesn't quite pan out it doesn't quite pan out. big deal. financial stress time is beginning- i've got stefanie's birthday in mid-november (as well as another wedding a few days before that- in chicago fortunately), my dad's birthday in december and then, of course, christmas. somehow i have to save enough money to buy gifts, come to kansas city and have fun and hopefully not be completely destitute when i get back. the silver lining is that two of the days i'll be here i wouldn't have been working anyway even if i stayed in chicago for the holiday. plus right when i get back i have two extra shifts that i signed up for, so i should be golden- kind of a 'hit the ground running' situation, but it'll be fine. the new year will be all about looking for a new job. i've been looking already, but i feel like once the holidays are over is when i'll be able to really put in all of my effort. i might lay the groundwork before i leave town.
i suppose that that's enough for now. end of transmission.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

ye olde clip-clop

i've been pretty busy since last i posted. i've been working on the near-mythical animated video for 'falling stars.' i'm going to put together a digital single for that song to co-incide with releasing the video. will it be a big deal? eh, not too sure... the video is looking pretty cool thus far- a lot of the animated bits are a bit loopy in nature (as in repetitive). also i've done some layering and surprisingly everything is looking pretty nice. it's all been done in a very childlike manner and spirit. basically it's an animated video of my primitive line-drawings. the 'invisible against the sun' cover makes an appearance, for example.
i'd like to get it finished this weekend. that'd be pretty boss, but also there is still stuff to draw and tons of crap to scan in. i'm pretty much done with the wedding music stuff now- have to finish notating out a single part. should take 20 minutes or so. at the most. looking forward to it. stefanie and i are going to have to do some pretty serious practicing in the next week. we're going to have friday to run-through everything again and that should be good. stefanie's mainly nervous because she isn't quite comfortable with a few of the songs yet, which isn't a huge problem because she now has them all on her ipod and it's a question of listening to them a bunch. we're doing 'feeling of gaze' by hope sandoval and that song is proving to be quite a tough one. i have trouble with it myself. the way it's sung is a bit odd as well.
i'm looking forward to not having to worry about putting this stuff together once this whole thing is finished. i'm looking forward to playing it as well. i'm pretty bummed that we couldn't get a shalloboi show together- that's a major drag. why the fuck couldn't anyone play a show with us? if we'd been able to get two more bands we would've been able to play at the riot room. fuck! now it's too late in the game to do anything about it at all. i'm getting very tired of dealing with flaky friends when trying to book shows. how is it possible that everyone is able to be so ridiculously picky and play way more shows than we do? not. fucking. fair. but i suppose that no one ever said that life was supposed to be fair.
in the aftermath of all of the brandon and chris ridiculousness i was at work the other day and realized, to my great delight, that i hadn't thought about either one of them even once for several days. it was a very validating moment. no regrets, no looking back. i am now anxious to get a new violist and get back to work. we have that 'christmas song, pt. iv' to finish up and i'm trying to get going on having a show in december. so far i've asked a couple of bands to play, but it's fairly similar in the realm of foot-dragging and whatnot. i dunno. maybe we should just play at cole's by ourselves- it'd probably be a bit easier to get together and we had a really good turnout last time. it's kind of a headache to get people to play shows with us and i don't understand why- i'm beginning to think that it just ties in with that whole musician/flaky thing that we don't seem to have. similar to the fact that we are always show up to load-in on time (even though it's kind of an unspoken rule that you aren't really supposed to) and whatnot. that's always been the joke between stefanie and me. wacky.
anyway, i'm back on the mogwai train hardcore right now- that new live album is spectacular. about as good of a live document of the band as anyone could ever reasonably expect. hallelujah!

Thursday, October 7, 2010


things are starting to level out- which i am relieved about. i think everyone's going to be better off for all of the drama that's gone down. the music is coming together quite nicely as well, i must say. soon it'll be finished and it'll be time to go. i'm looking forward to doing the wedding but also looking forward to being finished with all of this stuff and being able to get back to doing more shalloboi stuff- the christmas show, for example.
some more new records arrived in the mail yesterday- one is the second (and fucking excellent) telescopes record- a truly underrated and overlooked band from the wasteland of the early 90's shoegazer movement. in a lot of ways i think that the telescopes may have been the best besides my bloody valentine in that they really mined their own territory and did so while incorporating a seamless 60's vibe, not to mention making some of the most beautiful music from that era. listen to 'all a dreams' or 'spaceships.' also 'flying' is an amazing song. i bought the record on vinyl from bomp and it's on orange vinyl, sounds fantastic and has a cool remix/semi-instrumental version of 'flying' tacked onto the end entitled 'tornado.' nice!
the other new record that arrived is the new mogwai live record- 'special moves.' how is it that i find it so easy to forget mogwai only to rediscover them anew periodically for the last seven or so years. i don't even own 'the hawk is howling' yet. 'special moves' is a highly recommended live album and actually does a great job of capturing them live. i haven't had time to watch 'burning' yet (which came in the package as well- totally looking forward to that one). highlights of the set for me are all of the 'i know you are but what am i' (which i saw them play in 2006 or 2007- can't remember), 'like herrod' (how have i managed to see them three times and they've never played this- it's a beautiful beast), 'mogwai fear satan' (as always), '2 rights makes 1 wrong' (also saw them play this one and it was fantastic- this version is probably even better) and i've always loved 'cody' even though they've played it every time i've seen them. thank heaven mogwai exists. i don't know how i don't spend as much of my time listening to them as i used to- they are truly exquisite. such a great mix of fragility, beauty, loudness and brutality.
besides all of this i am now in a holding pattern of permanent burnout. as the shops continue to be slammed on a daily basis and the staff at the shop i work at continues to be worn too thin business still somehow continues to grow and decisions continue to be made in a really poor manner and long-term thinking continues to be pushed to the side. i even find myself stepping in more often when snap decisions need to be made and taking on extra responsibility despite the fact that i have no interest in anything resembling management or authority. the sad thing is that i'm making enough money that working there is still too lucrative and i'm afraid that if i went to another coffee shop i wouldn't be as well-off. everyone's hours got extended too so that'll mean even more money. despite all of this i lose my patience in the front so quickly nearly every day. i don't think i'm going to be able to leave anytime before christmas as it looks like i might not have to have any shifts covered as we might be closed christmas eve, christmas day and the day after christmas (it's a sunday) and i'd rather not have to try to deal with that first thing upon getting a new job. i'm hoping for a fresh start in 2011.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

'why does the rain fall cold...'

listening to the new walkmen album right now and really loving it so far. i recognize two of the songs from their set at pitchfork 2009 (aka most likely the last pitchfork music festival i am likely to attend).
as usual the drama in the band continues as i (as usual) continue to make a new record by myself. also, as usual, the drama is revolving around one person. why do people have to have such fragile egos that they require constant coddling and special attention and why are these people so often more of a burden than they are a help? down with those who take up too much space. i'm hoping this person just thinks i'm a dick and quits because i'm completely sick of their shenanigans. their little power plays will do nothing to make me see the 'error' of my ways- in fact i'm more likely to just quit indulging these ridiculous pleas for attention and reassurance that they are, indeed, as great as they feel like they are and just find someone else to do what they do. it's not that difficult. oh, how exhausted my patience is and oh, how grateful i am for the people in my band who are truly helpful and understanding- they are among the people in the world who i most admire. i've found that people who can just roll up their sleeves and do what needs to be done without a bunch of diva-ish posturing insecure bullshit are in vastly short supply these days.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Friday, September 17, 2010

'just hanging there...' originally titled- i have company

i'm at wormhole right now and some people are sitting in my vicinity. i am hoping this doesn't hinder my sweet, confessional style. i'm sure it could really only be a benefit.
listening to tons of scott walker at the moment and it's doing wonders to make every tiny, insignificant thing that's happening today take on an air of grandiosity and graceful beauty. it's strange to me how normal torch-singery his stuff seems, but there is some weird ass shit even on the first solo record. i think his use of strings might be my favourite along with lee hazlewood's. he uses a fair amount of dissonance, i've noticed- and i mean even on his early stuff. beautiful.
i have quite the daunting task ahead of me once again at work. amidst the recording session that's coming up on tuesday i will be starting another nine-day stretch at work. the last one wasn't as terrible as i was expecting. i'm hoping the same is true for this one. i'm going to do what i did last time- expect it to be a horrible, raging shitstorm and just take it one day at a time and not think about what lies ahead.
spent wayyy too much money on records yesterday. $90 is the exact figure. that bought five records. not too bad, i suppose. two were birthday presents for stefanie- inspired buys and special finds. i think she will really love them. without them it would've been $50. not so terrible, i suppose.
i've got 'chinese blue' going full tilt. i seem to be doing most of it by myself. not sure how much i'm going to use the strings on that one. was going to figure that out later. there's no big rush for that one. it's not going to come out for at least two years, after all. i was just going to stockpile tracks for as long as possible and let it take shape naturally and slowly. i have a ton of songs and was going to really try and stretch out and do a bunch of different versions of them approaching them from a more raw place. some i will build into monolithic giants just in case. just because.
'plastic palace people' has some of the best use of strings in what could be considered a pop song i've ever heard. sorry, that one's playing right now.
'chinese blue'- so far i have a decent amount of finished tracks. i should probably take stock of those when i get home to get a more exact figure. what's going on so far is that i'm working from the stuff i started in 2007 and such and figuring out what's salvageable and what just needs to be redone from square one. so far it seems that for the most part it's worth it to just redo what needs to be redone on them as there's some pretty irreplaceable stuff on there. there's a ton of stuff that i don't even remember how to play that turned out so beautifully i don't see how i could ever recreate them.
that's about it for right now. this was supposed to be so simple and it's all over the place now. not sure how that happened...

Friday, September 10, 2010

diary 9.9.10

an untitled one. i think the sad songs on here are more hopeful. i suppose others would see it differently. this is dead-on, though.

song- band- album

1. walking and falling- laurie anderson- big science
2. when i'm with you- best coast- crazy for you
3. cry, cry baby- nina nastasia
4. you give me butterflies- shallow- high flyin' kids stuff
5. tu ne dis rien- françoise hardy
6. the sun ain't gonna shine anymore- the walker brothers
7. open heart surgery- brian jonestown massacre- bravery, repitition and noise
8. master of none- beach house- beach house
9. if i stay too long- thee oh sees- raven sings the blues comp. vol. 2
10. dead west- moon duo- killing time 12"
11. dead west pt. ii- moon duo- raven sings the blues comp. vol. 2
12. burn & fade- the black ryder- buy the ticket, take the ride
13. drive you home- the verve- a northern soul
14. the river- the dutchess & the duke- sunset/sunrise
15. to june- ganglians- monster head room
16. into dust- mazzy star- so tonight that i might see
17. stay with me- spiritualized- radio city music hall bootleg
18. song to the siren- this mortal coil/cocteau twins- it'll end in tears

finally, some action

i delayed far too long. it was starting to drive me nuts, but the worst of this process is over (well, maybe). 90% of what was worrying me has been allayed. even though 'the deed' (as i'm going to refer to it here for now until later) hasn't been done yet, i feel way better already about the way it's been handled. basically, all i've done is talked to all of my bandmates about stefanie's and my decision. all that's left now is to carry it out. i'm confident that we're doing the right thing- usually when you feel relieved at having to do something unpleasant it means that it is, indeed, the right thing to do, painful as it may be. this is just a very curious development- i've never been in a band where anyone's been kicked out. it's an unfortunate circumstance that the first time this should happen would be in my band.
i'd post something about what else has been going on in my life, but really nothing much has been going on! the strings are coming over to record a new song a week from tuesday and we're going to work on some more wedding music too. i'm really looking forward to it now and i actually received some good news yesterday that i'm close to having everything finished. i'd thought that i needed about an hour's worth of music, but i really only need around a half-hour's worth.
work is work. nothing much else to report besides that. i guess that last week wasn't too miserable. i was my cranky self for at least an hour a day there- probably not too pleasant. i am trying to keep that to a minimum. i've noticed that i'm not the only one, which gives me some modicum of comfort.
i'm going to wooden shjips tomorrow night at the empty bottle and thee oh sees at lincoln hall on wednesday night. definitely looking forward to all of it. i am a bit worried since i probably won't be able to get much sleep tonight and then obviously i'm going to be very tired on sunday morning. with having to get up so much earlier it's quite daunting. the napping ritual usually works alright to offset it. fortunately it's a non-issue for the oh sees show. don't have to be up early at all on thursday morning. tons of awesome shows. tons. probably going to go to the kurt vile show on halloween. i'm hoping it's just him solo this time out- i think i enjoyed that more.
my friend from work, kayla, posted a bunch of pj harvey videos and i was reminded of 'stories from the city, stories from the sea' which i'm listening to right now. it's bringing back a ton of great memories. it came out while i was living in london and stefanie bought it and put it on a tape (possibly with the 'virgin suicides' soundtrack on the flipside- which was our first date movie) and sent it to me in a care-package. at this point it would've been around november or so, so i was very homesick at this point (actually i just missed stefanie like crazy and i was flat broke). talk about an appropriate album for that time- love- physical and mental melding together and being in a vibrant but unfamiliar city in a different country and then the requisite downs associated with each. it was perfect. one of the things i am so upset about with the loss of my old ipod is that i've lost three years worth of diary mixtapes. they are the perfect emotional bookmarks and they just bring up such a flood of memory and emotion that is always astonishing to me. speaking of which i just finished my september diary mix yesterday (and listened to it twice). time to post it.

Monday, September 6, 2010

'i did all my best to smile...'

it's been quite the crap week. i'm going through a phase that sometimes happens to me every so often wherein i try my best to stand up for myself and not let people take advantage of me and the inevitable fallout is that i feel like i'm being a dick- usually because people make me feel that way when i stand up to them. this is a symptom of being taken advantage of a lot.
this song used to save me from the misery of working at starbucks- the chaos and the hopelessness and the futility would all kind of lift away and this song would take me away from there for that three minutes that it would come through the speakers there (it was on one of the cds that we would pipe through the soundsystem- all music chosen by kenny g). neko case's songs would come on occasionally and do the same thing. but this song is probably one that would be a shoe-in to be played at my funeral as it so perfectly encapsulates how it feels to be in my skin.

Friday, September 3, 2010

'i can't mend this living...'

well, things turned around very suddenly last week. august was an inordinately stressful month and as soon as i got to cole's and set up all of my stuff it was like the curtain had been lifted and i was suddenly able to relax finally. it was an instant turnaround and it had held on for several days until last night and now i feel myself sinking back into a hole. this summer has been a complete, miserable energy drain and i will be so glad to see it die. i'm hoping that this means that this winter will be extra awesome- all i know is that i've been daydreaming about snowy days for the last week and it's been making me incredibly happy.
i'm now at a loss as to what to write here. still not sure as to how to draw attention to this whole shalloboi project- it seems destined to be permanently ignored and yet there were a lot more people at the show than i expected and they were mostly there to see us. the set was a nice upward flowing kind of thing like we often do. no distortion until the last two songs. by the time we hit those last two songs they were both ecstatically great- especially the last song. i sang my fucking heart out and pulled things off that i normally have trouble with. i belted towards the end. fun stuff. it made me feel great. i was very swept up in the raw emotion of every moment and every song. 'narcoleptic' was probably the best that we'd ever played it. definitely the best that i'd ever sang it. very intimate and personal and i extended the ending a very generous amount- usually i lose my mojo because i worry that it's getting boring for the audience, but that didn't happen that night. during the last song i was sure that the music is so worthwhile and deserves to be paid attention to and that we really are a great band and that i do, indeed, desire recognition and validation for this at some point. how to get that- i don't really know. i suppose that all we can do is keep playing shows like that. forever and ever.
the feelings of dread that have been creeping up lately will not go away and i can't help but feel that the days of this incarnation of this band are entering their incredibly unstable days. people are letting their dissatisfaction show, which is inevitable in a band where one person is calling all the shots. not sure what to do about it. someone's gotta go. i'm just worried that this will cause a rift and split the band into factions and i don't want that at all, but someone has to go. their tenure in the band is over- someone who takes up the most space, creaks the loudest while continuing to be the weakest link in the chain and makes the same mistakes repeatedly over and over. also someone who causes me an inordinate amount of stress and has made my life a living hell for the past month or so.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

diary 8.11.10- meet me by the water

1. can't seem to make you mine- the seeds- the seeds
2. (there's gonna be a) showdown- new york dolls- in too much too soon
3. no one does it like you- department of eagles- in ear park
4. dog days are over- florence and the machine
5. meet me by the water- saturday looks good to me- all your summer songs
6. so alone- ty segall- ty segall
7. throw aggi off the bridge- black tambourine- black tambourine
8. i will be- dum dum girls- i will be
9. little ghost- disappears- lux
10. silver soul- beach house- teen dream
11. you don't miss your water- otis redding- best of
12. desire lines- lush- split
13. horoscopic amputation honey- califone- quicksand/cradlesnakes
14. twilight- elliott smith- from a basement on the hill
15. wakes- nina nastasia- outlaster
16. cool waves- spiritualized- live at radio city music hall bootleg
17. untitled- the cure- disintegration


here's a video i made for the shalloboi track 'whisper.' i can't figure out my opinion on it at all- which is curious. i think it's worth watching, though.

Friday, August 20, 2010

so it goes

trying to get productive again. got bored of the internet here at wormhole, so i started loading some animated pics into imovie to try to get going on the 'falling stars' video, which is supposed to be animated. it ended up motivating me to go through all of the rest of that stuff- there is a TON! more than i'd expected- i have enough footage to finish a '4am train' video- just need about a minute or so of footage of stefanie to round it out. nice surprise. i spent all summer taking still photographs of flowers progressively blooming and i'd previously thought that it was kind of bullshit, but as it turns out i think that it was a good project to do and i have some other stuff to build on for a 'whisper' video. 'under the flood' i was going to do at the zoo and possibly the bean in millenium park. nice. the only concept i have for a 'narcoleptic' video would require someone outside the band to film it- i thought it would be a good idea to do a rip off of the nina nastasia 'cry, cry baby' video- but out in our backyard. i was going to do this thing with all of us in the backyard anyway, but then i thought it might be good to do a sort of combination video/live recording. the version we'd record would probably end up being better than the one on the record and it would allow us to test out the whole recording live to 2-track concept i've wanted to try for a long time.
i ordered a second yamaha spx 90 because my current one was acting up, so i bought another one for cheaper than i bought the first one. now, naturally, my current one has calmed down. ironically this would make it possible to do more live recordings as it would allow us to add reverb to the vocals by having a second spx90. i even pondered recording the new christmas song live to 2-track, but i think that we might have to go with the old live recording format. i should be able to include brandon in the proceedings, however, and i think it'll work out quite nicely. with distortion and whatnot it would be a bit difficult to record it live with the strings- they'd have to be in a seperate room and we don't have enough sets of headphones to get that accomplished properly.
slept until one o'clock today. not good as i have to be up at 6am tomorrow. shit.
had an extremely strange day yesterday- felt about every emotion i'm capable of feeling in the course of a day. mondo extremes- mostly caused by running into a friend at work who really knocked me down off of my cloud by very rudely snapping at me and it ended up overtaking pretty much my entire day. i had trouble sleeping because of it. i dunno- it's kind of a recurring thing with this person- i always feel like they're my friend but then it seems that she gets sick of me and then just finds me annoying and ends up talking down to me, being dismissive and occasionally just outright ignoring me until i go away. i guess that's not really a friend, then. one of my newest projects in life is not to be too taken-in by extremely outgoing, likable people. it seems to me that they are so used to having people be nice to them and like them that it's practically nothing to just brush them off when they're done with them. maybe not a big deal to extremely outgoing people, but for me i try to pick my friends very carefully, which is why i have so few. when i consider you my friend and you fuck it up repeatedly it usually puts you on my shitlist and while it's difficult enough to get me to come out of my shell and be your friend it's much more difficult to get off of the shitlist once you're on it- your third visit is usually your last and you're no longer considered a friend. mostly what gets you on the shitlist is if you treat me in a way that you don't want to be treated, or if you play up the 'i'm so sensitive' angle but then repeatedly toss off insensitive rudeness my way despite the fact that i'm also a very sensitive person. i guess those two kind of tie in together. i'm a 'treat others how you want to be treated' person. you don't want to piss someone off like that. end of rant. also, this person is moving in a little under a week and a half, so i suppose this is their way of severing ties. message received. have a nice life- thanks for getting me to think you were a cool person only to grind that image into complete oblivion at the last second.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

garage days revisited

every so often i fall in love with noisy, trashy, gloriously sloppy and passionate garage rock all over again. this is the result of listening to so much ty segall and thee oh sees at the moment. this began in portland way back in 2003 or so- for whatever reason that's the year that i finally got into the stooges. why did it take so long? who fucking knows... i'd always loved 'funhouse' back when my college roommates used to play it for me.
right now what's really doing it for me is 'warm slime' by thee oh sees- which is officially my favourite of the more rocking oh sees albums. i played 'help' after listening to 'warm slime' the other day at work and found that 'help' sounded terribly tame by comparison and during all of the many amazing noisy freakouts contained within 'warm slime' it was very revelatory- sounded fucking amazing. i don't know what it is with me and noisy stuff, but to me it's something incredibly beautiful and revelatory. transformative. good stuff.
so right now i'm listening to 'everything goes wrong' by the vivian girls- a record i bought last year and neglected quite unfairly. someone put it on at work the other day off of my ipod and i was saddened by the fact that i hadn't listened to it more. it seemed to be a grave injustice. it was a largely ignored record when it came out. people were very underwhelmed by it. i think it's the fact that the songs aren't as immediately memorable and hooky as the songs from the first record. what's more they were still releasing that never-ending stream of 7"es that were as instantly memorable as the songs from the self-titled record. it also has this slightly more polished soundwise, yet more unhinged aesthetically kind of thing going on, which is a touch confusing (at least to me and i'd imagine to most other folks).
today is the first of a two-day weekend for me. my schedule has returned to its normal state. the bad news is that tuesdays still blow and now i no longer have a shared off with stefanie and the good news is that i'm making more in tip money AND getting two days off in a row. there are also a ton of great shows coming up. a ton, dangit! thee oh sees is one of them. ty segall is on tuesday. i am wondering if i should just go to the free instore with stefanie or to that and the empty bottle show. i suppose this would be something i should just feel out once the time comes.
we're rolling into finishing up all of the necessary practice for the show at cole's. speaking of which i should probably finish a flier for that today and post it and whatnot. it's two weeks from sunday. yipes. i hope it goes alright. i'm mainly concerned about how it will be soundwise- need to go over their stage plot again and plan accordingly. i should also probably get going. i've been here for quite a while. the greenpeace clipboard people are multiplying on the streets, i have things to do today and, most importantly, if i am gone for more than two hours i lose my 25 cent transfer option.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

spiritualized- radio city music hall 7.30.10

watched the stream of the 'ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space' show in new york last night. i couldn't swing $400 to get myself there, into a hotel and back. on thursday a very nice woman who comes in to where i work informed me that the show was going to be streamed through never would've thought to check if she hadn't said anything as i had pretty much put it out of my mind that this show was even happening. i watched it and recorded the audio from it last night and it has made a perfect bootleg in my mind. in my opinion this live stream blows the 'live at the albert hall' official live record clear out of the water and into dust. talk about intense. i've never cried while watching a streaming concert on my computer, but i did last night. at least five times. sublime and amazing. i'd rate it as the best show i'd ever seen if i'd actually been there in person. it almost felt like i was there watching it online- a very intimately filmed video of what was a huge event. beautiful. so, anyway, i'll shut up and post the link to the mp3s of it. flacs will follow if they're requested. this is the full show, btw and it sounds great.

1. ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space
2. come together
3. i think i'm in love
4. all of my thoughts
5. stay with me
6. electricity
7. home of the brave/the individual
8. broken heart
9. no god only religion
10. cool waves
11. cop shoot cop...
12. encore break
13. out of sight
14. oh happy day

the stream is being rebroadcast on friday at the following link-
and, of course, for you-
192 kpbs mp3s

flacs, pt. 1-
pt. 2-
pt. 3-

Friday, July 23, 2010

dead sound

wow, what a rollercoaster i've been on for the last few months- since june specifically. fortunately things have died down considerably and i've gotten a sense of normalcy back into my mental life. that seasonal affective disorder is no joke, folks- please be a bit nicer to those scant few of us who are unfortunate enough to have to suffer through it during the summer when we must be silent. i've actually met a few fellow summer depression sufferers who actually take on the guise of people who enjoy the summer- they've been relieved to find a fellow summer depression sufferer. why am i telling you this? you don't care.
i'm sitting here at the wormhole cafe in wicker park on this, the balmiest day of the summer so far. the dog days are here, folks. this is when i try to imagine that it is already september. don't tell anyone- shhh. i like this coffee shop quite a bit- it's basically laid out like a giant living room and full of 80s posters and toys and whatnot. 80s nostalgia normally really pisses me off, but i feel like i'm in the womb here- who ever put all of this stuff up on display obviously lived through the 80s so all of it takes on the air of comfort rather than irony. there's a 'calvin & hobbes' collection and a mad magazine on the table in front of my leather couch to give you an idea.
what am i going to talk about today?
'field of flowers' is done now. i mixed down the last of the current incarnations of the lagging songs and instantly felt a twinge of post-partum sadness and depression as soon as i started to listen to these mixes. i'm bummed because the songs are all done- there's nothing left to record. while this record does have a bit of a thrown-together feeling (what with being a collection of four 7" singles and whatnot) i was just beginning to enjoy working on it. brandon appears on a few songs. stefanie wasn't able to recreate several of the drum parts that i did on the recordings, which is kind of a drag- she only plays drums on two of the seven songs. so much of it was done before i even knew they would be released. i'd been going through a very creative time- recording a lot, writing some new songs- and now it seems to have petered out. i was trying to record a soulful/gospelly sounding song and it just didn't come out that well. i'm very disappointed with it. i tried to overdub myself into a gospel choir and it just doesn't sound very gospelly- it just sounds like what it is- a 'tyler choir.' i was going to show it to stefanie and maybe i still will. it's probably something i'm going to have to take another crack at.
listening to the dying strains of 'disintegration' right now. there's such a 'long walk home' feeling to 'untitled' that i absolutely love. 'homesick' has the quality of having been up all night drinking and watching the sun coming up and feeling hungover already. 'untitled' has a sense of hope and resignation despite the sad subject matter. i suppose the musical death by drowning metaphor could have something to do with it, but even that seems like a calm, peaceful death on the record.
i've been buying a ton of records again and i've been playing a fair amount of nintendo these days even though it's not doing much to keep me from writing new songs. i wrote a beautiful song called 'summer is too long' that stefanie ended up playing on. not sure what to do with it- maybe put it on 'chinese blue.' there are other finished tracks that are probably going to be on 'chinese blue'- should that eventuality ever actually come to pass. at the moment i'm feeling very cavalier about it- it's going to be an obscenely long time off if it does come out... like 2013 or so. one of the reasons i wanted to do stefanie's idea of a 7" collection is because it would buy me a lot of time and cost about the same as a full-on lp project, but be more compact and song-based. also a vehicle to get some excellent tracks out that have just been laying on a shelf collecting dust.
listening to florence and the machine right now. katelyn, our violinist, recommended it to me at the show that was on my birthday and i finally got around to getting my slimy little mitts on it. i like it a lot for the most part- i think it's a brilliantly inspired approach to pop music. some of it is perhaps a touch too poppy for me, but the production is really beautifully handled and the music is very unique and stands on its own. it reminds me a lot of kate bush in that sense- some kate bush is a bit too poppy for me as well (nothing on 'hounds of love' applies to this statement). 'blinding' is probably my favourite track on the album.
after this i'm off to beans and bagels to meet up with kayla to go to the grafton for some drinks. that'll be a lot of fun. it's nice to be able to go out and get drinks again- i've been trying to pull myself out of the financial funk i've been in since i got back from mike's wedding back in june. it became clear pretty quickly that the month of july would be a bit of a wash-out financially. i'm trying to plan ahead so that the same doesn't happen when i go home for lauren's wedding. still entertaining the idea of doing a show when we go down for that. i'm going to have to get everyone together to determine that one. don't think we're going to be able to bring brandon with us, which might put a damper on whether or not the strings players will come with us. i definitely only want to do it if we can fit a shalloboi show into the visit- i think it would be pretty cool to play a show with them at the record bar for all of our friends back home. i'm also trying to think in terms of the possibility that it won't work out and stefanie and i will just have to go back by ourselves. still might be worthwhile to schedule a shalloboi show. stefanie and i were talking about how there are times when we both miss playing shows as just a two-piece. that last show at ronny's went really well and it was super fun to just crank it up and play really loud and not have to worry about drowning anyone out. plus we never play 'sloba' with the string players- something that i'm thinking of rectifying. i think it could work with them- although they will be spectacularly bored with the parts i've got imagined for them. anyway, that's about it. i think i'm out of stuff to talk about.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

diary 7.7.10- 'summer is too long'

played this at work today- it is highly effective in getting others into my mindset and how i have been feeling over the course of the last month or two. bummed that all of my other playlists are gone, except for a select few that i managed to publish here. perhaps i can recreate them soon.

1. super-sonic- the brian jonestown massacre- give it back!
2. set it on fire- moon duo- catch as catch can 7"
3. velocity girl- primal scream- random b-side
4. trouble- hope sandoval & the warm inventions- through the devil softly
5. at her open door- dead meadow- feathers
6. let it die- the dutchess & the duke- sunset/sunrise
7. this familiar way- nina nastasia- outlaster
8. blues- mazzy star- live bootleg- loppen, denmark
9. i wanted everything- kurt vile- square shells
10. luna sea- vetiver- vetiver
11. cheree- suicide- suicide
12. you baby (can't stand the rain)- dean & britta- l'avventura
13. a brief history of love- the big pink- a brief history of love
14. when the sun hits- slowdive- souvlaki
15. real love- beach house- teen dream
16. roads- portishead- roseland new york
17. devil got my woman- skip james- complete recordings (1931)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

sometimes you can feel it all slipping away...

...and are completely powerless to stop it- just watch it fall through your fingers. maybe we are doomed to relive the same life over and over and make all of the same mistakes without being able to change it or better it. i feel like i see this all the time...
i dunno, i'm just not feeling so good right now. grappling with some weird stuff that isn't necessarily new, but also not any easier to deal with despite having experienced it before and knowing that it's not the end of the world. this time is with a new and delightful twist.
i'm mainly worried about the well-being of my band as the drama factor seems to be on a rocket hurtling towards the sun. it's all very cute and fun at the moment, but i'm beginning to become aware of things that are happening (and not happening) that are kind of revealing themselves to me as being like chess pieces placed on a board one by one into a formation that i'm not entirely comfortable with. i also find myself being dragged into the impending drama- which i'm none too happy about. furthermore i have no one i can talk to about any of it. i was wondering why i was feeling so depressed at the few shows we've played with brandon (two total, actually) and i'm beginning to think that it was a premonition of something bad happening. he's kind of come in and become this gigantic force pulling everything in. first it made us all a lot tighter as friends very quickly, but now i can't help but feel that it's going to destroy the balance that we had before he showed up. we had such a good thing going. in a way now we have a better thing going, but it's just... it's so difficult to talk about in a public forum like this even though i know no one reads this thing.
it's also forced me to look at myself in a different light- despite everything i do in this band i am not in control of it at all. not a particularly revelatory discovery, granted, but a pretty startling reminder nevertheless. also not the kind of thing that i need rubbed in my face at the moment- i feel powerless enough in my daily life to keep my ego in check. my job is testing the outermost, unexplored limits of my patience right now (that's really saying something, too). i find myself leaving there every day mired in hopeless thoughts of complete futility and never-ending dread. some of those feelings are creeping into my band as well- not that there wasn't some sense of that already there, but it's being shoved to foreground once again.
i also know that i'm probably getting worked up over absolutely nothing. i just feel like it's coming so soon and i'm not ready for it at all... and i'm having so much trouble talking about it because it makes me feel so incredibly and deeply sad...