Thursday, December 9, 2010

'julie, don't go down'

in the on-going cat drama that has taken over our lives stefanie took robin to the vet yesterday because he got really fussy with his food and quit eatting. they did his blood work a week early and the findings were not good- his levels were elevated again and he was headed for another crash. now we have to do the sub-q treatments every day- which is terrible news. not necessarily because of what it means for us but more for him. stefanie spent some time taking back the rental car she'd gotten to take him in and while she was gone i had some time to myself to think about it and get upset and angry. by the time she came back i was really angry. mainly i was just upset because there's always all of this extraneous bullshit going on all around us and coming from every angle and frankly none of it matters to me a whit now- robin could leave us at any minute and this is very sad. i thought we were doing such a good job and he seemed to be feeling so much better but it just underscored the fact that no matter how much we do we can only postpone the inevitable and that eventually it will not be enough to keep him around. such bad news kind of underscored the 'sooner than later' aspect of this whole thing. supposedly he'll be fine if we give him a treatment on the morning we leave (which stefanie will have to do with a friend of ours' help as i'll be opening the shop that day) to visit kansas city for four days. it's going to be difficult to be away for four days wondering if he's going to be okay and it's already going to be difficult enough to relax while we're home (some mild and petty family bullshit is already beginning to erupt that i frankly don't have the patience for at this point given all that's going on and has gone down with the cat) and now we'll be worried about him the whole time we're gone. i want to go home still, though- i've left town twice this entire year and both for incredibly rushed visits. i would open up a vein for a proper vacation. the last kc trip was fun, but very rushed and i think i had a grand total of three whole hours to myself where i didn't have to do anything. i didn't even have time to get together with mike. this whole thing with our cat is adding a whole dimension to the whole thing. we're not ready to lose him, but it appears that we're going to very soon and i've been bracing myself for it from the moment we heard this really awful news. however much i do so i'm sure it won't be enough to prepare me for when it actually happens, i'd just like to enjoy the time that we have left with him and do whatever i can to extend that time as long as he's happy and has a good quality of life. because of all of this my tolerance and caring for most daily bullshit is nonexistant. it's kind of nice because i don't care about much of anything now. it makes it incredibly easy to be at work now. it's helped give me a lot of perspective.

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