Friday, September 3, 2010

'i can't mend this living...'

well, things turned around very suddenly last week. august was an inordinately stressful month and as soon as i got to cole's and set up all of my stuff it was like the curtain had been lifted and i was suddenly able to relax finally. it was an instant turnaround and it had held on for several days until last night and now i feel myself sinking back into a hole. this summer has been a complete, miserable energy drain and i will be so glad to see it die. i'm hoping that this means that this winter will be extra awesome- all i know is that i've been daydreaming about snowy days for the last week and it's been making me incredibly happy.
i'm now at a loss as to what to write here. still not sure as to how to draw attention to this whole shalloboi project- it seems destined to be permanently ignored and yet there were a lot more people at the show than i expected and they were mostly there to see us. the set was a nice upward flowing kind of thing like we often do. no distortion until the last two songs. by the time we hit those last two songs they were both ecstatically great- especially the last song. i sang my fucking heart out and pulled things off that i normally have trouble with. i belted towards the end. fun stuff. it made me feel great. i was very swept up in the raw emotion of every moment and every song. 'narcoleptic' was probably the best that we'd ever played it. definitely the best that i'd ever sang it. very intimate and personal and i extended the ending a very generous amount- usually i lose my mojo because i worry that it's getting boring for the audience, but that didn't happen that night. during the last song i was sure that the music is so worthwhile and deserves to be paid attention to and that we really are a great band and that i do, indeed, desire recognition and validation for this at some point. how to get that- i don't really know. i suppose that all we can do is keep playing shows like that. forever and ever.
the feelings of dread that have been creeping up lately will not go away and i can't help but feel that the days of this incarnation of this band are entering their incredibly unstable days. people are letting their dissatisfaction show, which is inevitable in a band where one person is calling all the shots. not sure what to do about it. someone's gotta go. i'm just worried that this will cause a rift and split the band into factions and i don't want that at all, but someone has to go. their tenure in the band is over- someone who takes up the most space, creaks the loudest while continuing to be the weakest link in the chain and makes the same mistakes repeatedly over and over. also someone who causes me an inordinate amount of stress and has made my life a living hell for the past month or so.

No comments: