i'm sitting around at the coffee shop once again. the computer died earlier, but someone left a spot with an outlet so i snatched it as i often do if i can't get one when i first walk in. it went from 80% to 0%. very confusing. i guess that that means that the battery is dying- it happened to stefanie's old laptop as well. bummer.
still housesitting. still quite tired. pretty bummed that my weekend is gone now and i've had to wake up to an alarm or a cat being annoying every night. kinda sucks. i guess that's how it goes. strangely enough we have money- we don't seem to have missed a beat on that note, at least not so far. i'm not sure how that's possible, but i'm also not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
stefanie saw a help wanted sign in the window at laurie's planet of sound yesterday. i'm supposed to stop by there today later on. if not to pick up the dog, then to pick stefanie up at 4pm. i'm hoping that it's something that would be extremely part time- like around 15 hours a week or something like that. something for a little extra money- that would be wayyyyy superior to going back to chase. i'm trying not to get my hopes up because the idea of working there seems a bit too good to be true. the idea of having extra money seems too good to be true. i have so much to save up for right now i can't even remember all of it. it's just impossible.
still haven't heard from chris as to whether we will be recording this weekend or not. grrr. i guess i'll shoot another email off today- hopefully he'll respond. i'd really like to hurry up and get this ep done so i can sit on it for a few more months. the extra paycheck is somewhat still hovering in the air- it looks like i might still be able to keep the extra paycheck as an extra- an unexpected surprise that will hopefully result in something- 2-track tape machine or ep mastering? still some stuff left to do, of course... remembering more and more and more now.
i'm not real sure what i'm after at this point with this whole music thing. how many records am i going to release while getting a really tiny response? is it really worth it to pour all of that money into it and not get much in return? are we making any impact at all? are we getting closer to our goal? and then, the big one that i'm realising i never had an answer for- what is our goal? a bit strange to be this deep into working on something and not realising what my goal is. i guess when i started i just wanted to put out records and tour. at least that's what i always said. i guess that my goal has changed and i guess it's to reach as many people as possible, but i'm not sure because that always seemed to me to be one of the most obvious goals in music and in art in general. you're trying to communicate something to people that can't be done through conversation or normal verbal interaction- something intangible that people feel but can't put into words. you're trying to make people feel something. i guess that that's another goal- i just want people to get lost in our music. do they? i think they do. not very many people, but gradually it's working its magic. so what now? i guess that it is worthwhile to continue building on where we are right now- seems to be a good way to operate. i get a bit scared that i've reached my apex already- that i won't be able to do any better than 'down to sleep.' it's quite a piece of work. it really gets my point across in ways that other things i've done don't quite make. the fact that we're pretty much abandoning that aesthetic seems a bit foolish to me at times, but at the same time i don't really know how to repeat something like that- i've already moved on and am already so enmeshed in the direction we're going in next. i also worry that we'll never match this year as far as productivity. it's almost like 2005 all over again- we did so much in that year. this year we did even more. i guess it won't be that hard to top, but nevertheless- a bit nervy. realistically it seems a bit foolish to be nervous or anxious since so few people are really paying attention.
this is a bit of a revelation- an unveiling if you will- i always say that i don't care what people think of me, but deep down on some level i do. most of the time i don't, but if i really didn't i'd never get upset about this stuff. i care, just not enough to play the game. when we were in california after we went to oakland and discovered that the show was cancelled we called my parents to let them know we'd be coming back to stinson beach and they told us that they would be eating dinner at the sand dollar- which is a restaurant in the stinson beach downtown- so we drove and saw them sitting outside on the patio area and we stopped and went in. when we walked in there was a very dapper couple sitting at a table next to my parents' table and when we stopped and started talking to my parents and the waiters were trying to get seats in place for us this dapper couple would not stop staring at me and stefanie- they stared and they whispered to each other WHILE staring at us. naturally we stared back when they would stare at us. at least i did because they wouldn't stop staring at me and whispering and it was so obvious that they were whispering about us and very disturbed by our presence- scruffy and unpolished as we were- it was almost like the fact that we were even there was enough to ruin these peoples' night. how dare we show up at a public place in a hoity toity california beach front community looking the way we did- who do we think we are? the rub of this whole thing isn't that i wanted their approval- i really didn't care if they thought i was scum at all- it was more just that they had the audacity to judge me from where they were sitting and be so incredibly impolite and rude and act with absolutely no decorum or discreetness. they could've at least had the courtesy to make an effort to make it seem like they weren't talking about us and staring at us. it's just amazing to me how people can be so desperate for approval and have such a burr up their ass that they care so much what others think to be so dressed up and be so concerned with appearances. i don't associate with people who think like that at all. they don't associate with me either, but even if they wanted to i wouldn't want to associate with them. i don't want to have anything to do with anyone who's that small-minded and petty. to me that's a person who lives in an ivory tower and who can afford to sit on a hill concerned with their pettiness while reality sits far beyond their view. in my view that's why i hated california so much because it seemed like everywhere we went around there it was like we were being judged that way. even by people scruffy like us. fuck that shit. so that was a nice story wasn't it?
i should probably wrap this thing up and get my ass back home on the off chance that i have to go to lorna's laces and pick up the dog.
i still would like to know where i'm going. sometimes i tell myself that i can't do what i'm doing forever, but then i see people who tend bars for the rest of their lives, or wait tables for their entire lives and i just think 'man that'd be miserable' but really it's just what people do. getting concerned with those things seems to be some kind of upper-middle-class guilt of some kind that's lingering that i just need to try and forget. as long as i'm enjoying myself and can maintain some semblance of happiness or contentment then that should be all i should be focused on. the music i'm making is worth it. it's a unique thing and that's rare these days. it's good.