Friday, January 8, 2010

digital loneliness

it's amazing how lonely and empty and worthless internet friend sites can make me feel. i'm going through a period right now where i feel like everyone hates my guts- by this i mean mostly at work and in my music making etc. i'm back in the doledrums for now, i guess. the irony is that work has been surprisingly pleasant since i've been back from kansas city. it seems to me that there's no happy medium between being a doormat and having people think that i have a bad attitude or that i'm a total asshole. it's surprising how people will react when you throw a little bit of their bullshit back at them. i've even told people outright that if they treat me like crap i'm going to treat them like crap right back and now people who are getting back what they've been giving me are acting like the big victims. it's as though they were completely oblivious to the fact that i was nice to them at first and they just pissed all over it. i've been trying to be more direct about these things as well in an effort to not be a doormat, but it seems to me that if i'm not being people's doormat they think i'm being a huge dick. who knows, maybe they're all right. when the groupthink mechanisms kick in who's right and who's wrong becomes moot- it's not pleasant to be on the receiving end of that... i know, i've been there a lot it seems. i don't know what to do... i don't think i can take it much longer... i just feel frustrated and completely helpless to change my situation. get a new job? i guess that might help, but strangely enough i kind of doubt it. i'm a bit sick of hopping from rock to rock.
as if that weren't enough i'm back to facing the yawning chasm of indifference- aka trying to book shalloboi shows. there's nothing in this world that i hate more than trying to book shows. it seems to be an ongoing exercise in futility and constant humiliation- i always thought that eventually it get easier to do the longer i'd be playing music- and while that's true to an extent it's only true in a handful of cases and even those have a tendency to dry up. i'm a very patient person, but lately i've been finding that my patience for most things is just completely drained. the wells have been empty for a while as well. i've lost sight of what i'm after also- technically speaking i've reached my goals- they were just to make records and tour. we've made tons of records and we've done some touring- not a ton like some people, but i think in the longterm we've actually done a better job of going out more consistently than people who are in a similar position to us. we were going to go on tour twice this year- once on the east coast and again on the west coast, but now the plans to go to the east coast in march have been put on ice. i'm trying to book a mini-tour in march so that we can go to kansas city for stefanie's friend's birthday party. it's still too early to lose heart i guess. i've done a good job of getting the ball rolling pretty early, which is actually something that doesn't usually happen. i guess that's a good thing... i shouldn't lose hope just yet. i guess that it's a case of not wanting to get my hopes up to have them dashed- i have a tendency to do that. nearly everything anyone says to me i take with a grain of salt. i only know a few fully trust-worthy people. wow... i guess i am an asshole...

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