Monday, May 4, 2009

when politeness and humility become your curse...

... you begin to realise why people are such raging fucking assholes all the time. i guess that this is just the way the next two weeks are going to be. depression. allergies. happy sun-junkies. cruel yelp reviews. seas of angry parents who hate you because you can't make them three bagels and a sandwich in 30 seconds. that's not even to mention your type-a boss who uses your politeness to abuse you and who thinks they know everything about you when there is such a vast amount about that they have absolutely no fucking clue about that you wouldn't even know where to start.
so where to start?
well, my manager saved all of the fun shit for the very end. the best thing is that he has no idea that anything he does annoys me- or actually i think he knows he just figures because i don't say anything back that it's okay for him to do these things that drive me (and everyone else for that matter) up the motherfucking wall. apparently i'm on a training program on how to work at beans and bagels that is going on almost a year and a half now. he's also a person (and there is no shortage of these, let me tell you) who thinks that quiet, reserved people are insecure and stupid and should be treated accordingly- bullied and rushed about nearly everything. railroaded into doing everything he wants exactly as he wants it before they can work up the gumption to put him in his place- which doesn't normally happen because quiet and reserved people are usually a humble bunch and not really in the habit of telling people where to stick it no matter how much they deserve it. i normally wouldn't think that my manager would think this about anyone if i hadn't heard it straight from his mouth. i've filled in the blanks a bit- but i just got another little how-to lecture today. he likes to 'drive the bus' for customers who can't make up their minds. it doesn't seem out of line to think that he just thinks he can do that with me, too- especially since he does this on a regular basis.
i just don't know what to do- the explosion is coming and it's not going to be pretty. i'm just not very good at making it crystal clear to this lunk-head with absolutely no long-term memory (or short-term memory) to speak of that he is being a total prick. how am i supposed to do this in a way that's not too sarcastic, nasty or inappropriate? i am rapidly reaching the point where i will be too pissed off to care and truth be told i can be really brutal if pushed too far and i can say some truly shitty and hurtful things that have been known to really cut deep. that's not my intention, but people just seem to enjoy pushing me to that point because they have no idea that they're pissing me off.
i don't know what to do- i just want to cry right now. i'm so depressed. i guess that this is deep, dark, black depression take two. yaaaaayyyyyy!!!!! it seems that whenever i sink into these things there is no shortage of oblivious authority figures to help push me that much further down standing around doing their part. thanks you guys! you're a real help. you make depression time LOTS of fun. the most fun part about these people is that they think that i complain about every little thing that bothers me- in fact what i mention is usually just the tip of the iceberg and only an indication of what is really bothering me. the heart of the matter is entirely more complicated and i've found that whenever i've gotten close to actually expressing what i'm feeling i suddenly feel incredibly cold, vulnerable, alone and i get the sudden sense that i'm revealing too much and that this person i'm talking to will store what i'm telling them and use it against me at a later date (this has happened many times as well) and i find that my throat swells shut and i am no longer able to speak. it's not a fun feeling. plus it's always just a bunch of 'oh, everyone feels that way! it doesn't matter! BE HAPPY!' which to me just means 'i don't understand what you mean- but i'll act like i do because that's what i like to do to make others feel like they're not as smart or together as me.' i've often thought about going to a therapist, but i simply don't have the means, plus i actually don't really think that my problems are that serious. i am also not good at talking. i have tremendous amounts of trouble putting my feelings into words- let alone my darkest fears. i would run out of things to say in about 5 minutes. in most people's estimation this means that i have no 'real' problems and that i should 'shut the fuck up and get over it.' yes, i've heard a great deal about this theory. i even had a roommate who at one point just sat me down when i was at my absolute lowest and he decided that it would be okay to tell me about how i didn't really have any problems apart from the ones that i made for myself and that if i'd just get over that i'd be fine. this is sort of a boundary line for when i quit being open with people because it made me realise that if you are open with people they use things you say against you and decide that they know everything about you- even enough to judge you even though you don't do that to them.
it's also getting a bit harder to hide. it used to be so easy and now i feel like i can't hide anymore. i forgot how to do it i guess- i wish that wasn't the case.
i find it tremendously difficult to talk to most people that i run into- i just hit a wall where i can't just smile and laugh and act casual most of the time- i just feel weird and awkward and completely uninterested. there are a handful of people whose company i really enjoy- but as i get older i find it's harder and harder to let people in- let alone trust anyone. my friends understand me. my wife understands me. i'd say it ends there. my parents understand me enough most of the time- and what they don't understand they can at least accept which actually means a great deal to me because that's actually a very unique thing and probably even rarer than understanding.
i ran into jane beachy at the spectrum show and it had a very strange effect on me- normally i dread running into anyone from the past- high school especially- i just find that i have nothing to say and the atmosphere is strained and awkward and i just want to shrivel away because i just have so little to say. but when i ran into jane i was actually incredibly happy to see her- it really was a pleasure to run into her and talk to her. it was almost a bit grounding in a way- it was kind of nice to know that i was still capable of such a thing- actually enjoying running into someone i used to know. i used to carpool to kindergarten with jane- it would be unbelievably sad to me if i wouldn't be able to talk to someone i had known for that long. this is one of the reasons i don't think that i'm just making problems for myself- i'm still capable of relating to people. everywhere i go and everything i do anymore i just feel like this huge, hopeless freak. i honestly can't relate to or pretend to care about anything that about 90% of the people i meet care about. it just escapes me. i'm not even trying. i don't think i'm better than them- most of the time i wish that i could care about those simple things more- i think it'd make my life a lot easier- i just don't. i care about so little these days... the campaign as of late has been 'feel more, care less.' i'm beginning to think that it was a bad campaign to launch and it's not going to end well. my brain just discards things it has no use for- my focus has gotten too sharp. it's getting to the point where i'm almost completely single-minded and i just don't care about anything else, or occasionally even think about anything else. of course what i'm talking about here is making music. it just feels like it's all that i have to offer the world and it just feels so natural and so right and things are starting to surpass my own expectations and that's starting to make the fact that we are so universally ignored hurt all the more. i am beginning to see people way younger than me achieving their goals way faster and getting attention that they don't necessarily deserve and that, of course, creates a huge 'what does it all mean?' scenario. if i've been slogging away releasing my own records for five years without any kind of outside financial support, have sacrificed so much of my own financial stability to this endeavor and gotten so little back in return then why do i continue to bother with it? it seems to be catching on but it just seems like the returns still aren't coming. there's just this endless feeling of the fact that there's only so much i can do and that in the end it's just not going to be enough and that even after we're gone it'll be like we never existed at all. creating something is a way that you grasp at some semblance of immortality- you can't truly be immortal- you can only hope to leave something of yourself behind that will take on a life of it's own and live on in your place and in a purer form...
it's to the point now where i don't even think i can stop if i wanted to... as the dead ends start to multiply it just makes it apparent to you that maybe the fact that you couldn't stop might be your biggest weakness rather than your biggest strength... it's just getting to be very frightening now... i'm not sure what's next and i don't think it's going to be good.

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