Wednesday, December 5, 2007

there are a few things written on my forehead...

i think that they might include these phrases-

passive-aggressive assholes of the world- here is another victim
ignore my music

i'm really at the end of my rope here. i have absolutely no idea what to do now- i think that my best idea so far has been to have stefanie book shows for us. no one will respond to my emails at all. this has even extended to people who i consider my friends. i really can't think of any reasons apart from a fairly simple one- my presence in this world is incredibly pedestrian to a great number of people. i keep so many people at such a far distance that i am completely invisible to nearly everyone i come into contact with. i thought that this invisibility had lifted, but it hasn't. i think that this also applies to my music. as a friend of mine once told me (this is probably the only honest criticism anyone has ever given me) 'your music is great, but it just doesn't draw you in.' tony said something similar to this. i thought that i was starting to get to the point where i was giving people something that they can latch onto, but i think i'm wrong about that.
not sure what to do to improve my station in life. i think that there's very little that i can do. most people don't believe that this is true. i've heard pretty much all of the common catch-phrases, but it really just boils down to being completely invisible. i'm lester in 'american beauty.' i already quit my job, but then i just got a shittier-paying one to replace that put me right back to where i was financially back when i worked for starbuck's. the price of doing what you want and not compromising- that won't change the fact that nobody gives a shit. i'd like to think that this interview with the guy from sharp darts that we're trying to get together will change this fact, but i'm fairly certain that things will go largely unchanged.
believe me, i am aware that this reads like a pity-party, but it honestly isn't meant that way. i don't expect others to solve my problems, i just try and ruminate about what bothers me in the hopes that i can see things more clearly and figure out a solution. it just felt like i was getting ahead for a while there- this last year started out so well and it was probably a high-point in my life and it all just fell apart by about the july/august area. unfortunately it co-incided with me quitting my job, which i initially felt really great about. i just feel like i've been getting kicked a lot while i'm down- y'know with the brakes on the van having to be replaced, the popping of the tires, the crippling medical bills all culminating in a mountain of debt that gets chipped away decently for a while only to gain size all of a sudden. i think it might be time to sell my body to science.
a lot of the time my debt seems like it was caused only by releasing records. i am quite sure that i've paid back all of that money by now. it was about $3500. it's amazing how i can steadily pay any amount of money over the course of months and years and now the grand total stands at about $6000. when i switched to my washington mutual card back in april the total was $4400. it's december now and the tab is $4300. i've paid at least $120-200 every month since then. at this rate the balance will be paid off in about 60 years. i'll be 88.
i just feel like i'm being slowly whittled away out of existence by so much stifling indifference. that's what i inspire in people- complete and total indifference. fuck, my parents are even indifferent to me and they're the only people in this shitty world who are supposed to love me. i don't even know why i'm writing this here- it's like being suspended out in the middle of empty space with nowhere to go and nothing to see and no one to hear you and you're screaming your head off until your voice goes hoarse, your ears go dead, your brain turns to mush and leaks out your ears and your heart finally stops beating and you disappear...

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