sometimes you can feel it all slipping away...

...and are completely powerless to stop it- just watch it fall through your fingers. maybe we are doomed to relive the same life over and over and make all of the same mistakes without being able to change it or better it. i feel like i see this all the time...
i dunno, i'm just not feeling so good right now. grappling with some weird stuff that isn't necessarily new, but also not any easier to deal with despite having experienced it before and knowing that it's not the end of the world. this time is with a new and delightful twist.
i'm mainly worried about the well-being of my band as the drama factor seems to be on a rocket hurtling towards the sun. it's all very cute and fun at the moment, but i'm beginning to become aware of things that are happening (and not happening) that are kind of revealing themselves to me as being like chess pieces placed on a board one by one into a formation that i'm not entirely comfortable with. i also find myself being dragged into the impending drama- which i'm none too happy about. furthermore i have no one i can talk to about any of it. i was wondering why i was feeling so depressed at the few shows we've played with brandon (two total, actually) and i'm beginning to think that it was a premonition of something bad happening. he's kind of come in and become this gigantic force pulling everything in. first it made us all a lot tighter as friends very quickly, but now i can't help but feel that it's going to destroy the balance that we had before he showed up. we had such a good thing going. in a way now we have a better thing going, but it's just... it's so difficult to talk about in a public forum like this even though i know no one reads this thing.
it's also forced me to look at myself in a different light- despite everything i do in this band i am not in control of it at all. not a particularly revelatory discovery, granted, but a pretty startling reminder nevertheless. also not the kind of thing that i need rubbed in my face at the moment- i feel powerless enough in my daily life to keep my ego in check. my job is testing the outermost, unexplored limits of my patience right now (that's really saying something, too). i find myself leaving there every day mired in hopeless thoughts of complete futility and never-ending dread. some of those feelings are creeping into my band as well- not that there wasn't some sense of that already there, but it's being shoved to foreground once again.
i also know that i'm probably getting worked up over absolutely nothing. i just feel like it's coming so soon and i'm not ready for it at all... and i'm having so much trouble talking about it because it makes me feel so incredibly and deeply sad...