it snuck up on me

i'm not sure how this happened, but my little seasonal affective disorder type thing has snuck up on me. the last week was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. i saw nina nastasia at the hideout twice and both nights were fantastic- the 2nd night was in a world of its own though- hands-down the best time i've ever seen her play. the 2nd night she played 'superstar' and 'late night' (with a cellist, violist and violinist). it left me feeling really weird and emotional- i actually walked up to her and said that it was really amazing and then i just kind of scurried away. i felt really strange and i've been going over it again and again in my head probably more than i should be- it really wasn't a big deal, but for some reason i'm very embarrassed that i said anything at all- i didn't say anything weird- i think i said less than five words... i just feel like i walk around with 'weirdo' tattooed on my forehead and sometimes this bugs me...
other than that i was up and down a lot at work. i couldn't quite get to an equilibrium type place. the most annoying thing about my inability to talk to people like a normal person is that when i'm at work i can be really sociable and even witty and funny, but then when i'm out on my own i just can't say a damned thing. i just feel so incredibly awkward. at the last three or so social events we've been to i've had to leave early just because i feel so out of sorts. i feel so out of sorts anywhere i go and i think that people pick up on it and they judge me. i feel very judged a lot of the time. in that regard i like the people that i work with because i feel pretty comfortable around them- i guess i should feel grateful for that.
i haven't felt awkward in my own skin for a while- i actually thought that i'd gotten to a point where i felt fairly comfortable pretty much anywhere i was.
i guess i was a bit sensitive because i've gotten a few more mixes for 'all hope is blind' burned to cd and in my ipod and i took the train to work on wednesday morning with the sole intent of listening to the mixes and seeing if they were okay. a handful of them are great and i'd say are good final mixes- the other handful were a bit muddy and for some reason i just felt like the whole thing was a failure. i have no idea why this was- it just seemed to me that i wasn't as good as i'd thought it was. i don't know why this is but it, of course, made me wonder whether or not i should even bother putting it out at all... i just remember listening to it a few months ago and being completely blown away by how great it was and i just really didn't have that experience at all this time. i suppose it could have to do with my mental state at the moment...
well, this is quite the waste of space here, so i'm going to close it up right now...