oh, such a shame...

i have been fully screened for the sleep deprivation study. i am wondering if i will be accepted or not. after filling out tons of forms and taking a psychological evaluation test i left the testing center realising that the first all night session is on the 20th (a week from sunday) which is, of course, a day i would have to get off from work that people are already trying to get covered and, a teeny little thing called spiritualized playing at pitchfork fest for which i have a ticket. shit. doh! i also looked at the rest of the schedule for the test and it would be much more time off than i thought and i severely doubt that it would be considerate of me to ask for all of that time off at work and then leave for two weeks less than two weeks after the study is over. it would be a bit incredulous to do all of that and then also ask for time off over christmas. i think that the bartering would be a bit difficult. yes, indeedy. so what i think i'll do is wait until they call me tomorrow and if they don't accept me, then no biggie, but if they do i'm going to kind of talk to them and let them know that i didn't realise that i couldn't do it after all, but hopefully if they accept me that might mean i could be considered for future studies later on. bummer dude.
a funny thing i will discuss now- when i was taking the psychological evaluation form i suddenly got very optimistic and hopeful. this happens quite often. for some reason my view of my 'problems' becomes very transcendental and level-headed. an interesting thing for those of you who read this blog and are alarmed by my desperate-sounding entries. this is going to sound ridiculous, but oftentimes i flee to write on here when i'm at the absolute end of my wits and just write out everything i am feeling. it doesn't make bad feelings go away, but it does help get more perspective on them and thus makes it easier to cope. saying morbid shit on here helps me keep myself in line from being too much of a misery guts. i sometimes think that while i am a bit prone to suicidal thoughts i could never actually go through it. life is a very precious thing and i have too much to live for to do something like that and even in my darkest moments these days i can see that. while i don't necessarily have a lot going for me financially my situation is remarkably stable for someone who gets by on what i do. the only bill of mine that i pay late is my car insurance. to be able to have such modest means and to have done all that i've done is something to be proud of in and of itself. i've managed to release five records and still always pay my rent. i even managed to keep up my credit card payments while i was unemployed. a lot of my friends sell drugs to maintain their lifestyles. i know one guy who has all of this awesome music equipment that i would just die to have all he does is sell pot and that's just how he makes his living. i've somehow managed to maintain a ridiculous amount of integrity and purity. it's a tradeoff of course, but i think that that's all that life really is- if you want to do something you love most likely you will bypass financial stability in order to do it and your alternative is to make a lot of money and enjoy a lot of financial stability that will allow you to enjoy your life more, but everyday you might have to do something that you don't particularly enjoy. a trade off. that's just the way i see it. when i used to moan about my jobs to my dad he used to say 'do think that i enjoy most of the crap i have to do everyday for my job?' and then he'd tell me about how he isn't even remotely doing something that he wants to do, but he's good at it and it allowed him to provide for his family and to enjoy his life to an extent that he was willing to put up with all of the things he didn't like in order to maintain that. plus his job wasn't one that ran and dominated his life.
in a way this is a very good thing. i'm doing what i always wanted to do. i feel like i'm doing it more on my terms than i have before. my job doesn't make me miserable- even though i complain about some things about it it is still a good job that i plan on keeping for quite a while. what i'd do after that i'm not real sure, but i need to stay put for quite a while.
revived musical discovery of the moment- the cranes. i've been meaning to listen to all of their stuff again lately and i've started do so lately- listened to the whole 2-disc ep collection, which is a really beautiful bunch of songs. some of their best stuff. luv it! highly recommend it. of course, all of their albums are out of print except for the latest stuff. they released a new album at some point recently and i still haven't bought it.