'think i can hit the mark...'

another useless news flash- I’m re-entering the doledrums at work. It has to do with my manager 100%- not going to go into it because it’s just the same old shit, so what’s the use. I’ve pared my responses to him down to the bare minimum. I’m sure all of this will blow over fairly quickly, I’ll probably be duped into thinking that he’s my pal again and then he’ll totally lose his shit over the way that I cut a tomato or something like that (no seriously). That’s my prediction- there’s only three months left anyway and then I’m free to start looking for other work- just in time for the recession. I’ve figured out how he works- he always has to have someone to pick on and project all of his ocd/monster control freak neuroses onto. At the moment I’m the one in the hotseat. He rotates between the three five-day workers. I’m quite sure that I don’t consider him my friend anymore, though- he’s used up all of his brownie points and now he’s in the red and has proven himself to be completely unworthy of my trust. That’s the general recipe for me ditching friends (or people who I thought were friends). Cold as ice. People are given multiple chances and if they piss all over all of them despite my plainspoken objections then they aren’t friends, that’s pretty much where it begins and ends. This is why I only have a few real friends- I can’t seem to have more than five close friends at a time. That’s how few people actually do have any insight into the type of person that I am and how I work. So if you’re a good friend of mine consider yourself very lucky- I think very highly of you and I don’t think very highly of the vast majority of people that I come into contact with.

It occurs to me that this is indeed a rather cold way to live and indicative of a great deal of cynicism and elitism and I’d just like to footnote that by saying that I don’t think that I’m better than everyone else, it’s more that I don’t think that there are a lot of people in the world who I can share a true understanding with- a reciprocal kind of thing. It’s kind of my opinion that most people don’t really care about this fact- they just are more social people and like to have a lot of friends. I guess that they’re more forgiving than me. At the same time I find I’m more forgiving than a lot of people I come across and when I decide someone isn’t my friend anymore they’ve been given tons of chances and just tossed them all aside and I take that to mean that they don’t view me as an equal and expect more respect from me than they are willing to give back- then you have a textbook one-sided friendship and I’m not doing those anymore- they’re pointless. Someone who wants you around as their doormat isn’t really interested in you as their friend. I’ve been through this pattern enough times to know.

I’ve been really pissed for the last week or so but I wouldn’t call this an all-out depression by any means. I don’t really know how that’s possible- but that’s what’s going on here. I’ve definitely been down in the dumps feeling really really low before and I’m definitely not there yet. I actually am enjoying having the experience and knowledge to be able to catch these things before they become a problem and start doing a number on my self-esteem and self-worth. It’s a positive effort to turn my problems with those two things around. It’s actually what you’d call being proactive.

On a happier note I’m listening to an awesome recording of the spiritualized show at the royal festival hall earlier in the week. They played ‘ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space’ in its entirety with a giant gospel choir, horns and strings. I was walking around listening to it yesterday and there were several times that I found myself with tears in my eyes- powerful stuff. I can only imagine what it was like to actually be there.

We have a strings show coming up a week from Saturday- a bit of a shame that chris won’t be there, but after all of the run-throughs it seems clear to me that it’s going to be pretty fucking awesome and the groundwork has been laid for many future strings shows- I’ve noticed that once they’ve practiced a song several times it’s pretty much in the vaults- at the first practice we ran through three songs from the other show back in april and Katelyn and aleksa were right on point. All we have to do is run-through them now. Nice. They’re really part of the band now- that’s pretty much how Stefanie and I do it- we practice a song a few times, play it live, work out the bugs if there are any and then once that’s all done we never have to practice it again. I’m quite excited about the show. Quite excited. The only thing is that we don’t really have anything else set up at the moment and I’ve kind of dropped the ball in that regard because the dates we wanted in December are coming up too soon and I wasn’t on the ball enough to ask for the dates far enough in advance and it looks like it might not be happening… fucking BUMMER…