i can't sleep...

yeah, i can't sleep.
it's that silly reunion thing again. it digs up a lot of skeletons that are in the closet and that's just not fun, y'know?
i dunno...
i was doing just fine. fuck. i think i'm just nervous because i sent kyle land a message through myspace because i wanted to friend him and see how he's doing and whatnot and now i'm worried that people are going to find me and i don't really want any of those high school people to find me. i don't know why that is- high school wasn't particularly torturous for me- only a few people were really fucking mean to me, i never got beaten up or anything like that- there was a rumor for years and years that i was gay, but that never bothered me very much. even when i see it now i just think it's funny and ridiculous. i even came to the conclusion recently that i think that my parents thought i was gay because of debbie welch. i'm not sure what facilitated it or anything, but somehow people got it into their heads that i must be gay. i think it was because i was weird and gay is easier to understand than weird maybe? or maybe it's a reason for weird. it's just weird because i remember my parents being so angry about something all the time and i never understood why and they'd never talk to me about it- my dad especially. it's all stuff that could've been avoided if my dad had just sat down with me and asked me point blank and i could've said 'no, i don't know where people get that idea from.' end of discussion.
i dunno...
even in the thick of everything that happened i was always so detached from it that i usually just didn't care or was blissfully unaware of things like that because i didn't spend any time caring about whether or not people thought bad things about me. it's similar to what i call the 5th grade mentality. i say 5th grade mentality because when i look back on my life i realise that when i was in 5th grade was when i was probably as close to self-actualized as i'd ever be. people called me a nerd to my face all the time and i just didn't give a fuck. i'd usually just say 'well, if not being a nerd means that i have to be friends with jerks like you i'd rather be a nerd. fuck you.' seriously- i'd say shit like that to my classmates when they'd insult me. i never got upset about that stuff because i knew it didn't matter. it's a mentality that i still aspire to. i might be close right now, but a few things seem to have derailed it.
what's more the thought of facing all of those people is just terrifying and i don't know why. i don't understand why it's necessary to meet up and see where everyone is. me- married, jobless, balding, pumping all of my money into my music releases that no one gives two shits about let alone buys and driving a huge white hippie van. i'm doing what i want to be doing, but honestly i'm the reason people like to go to reunions and feel better about themselves. the problem is that i was nice to people in high school. well, for the most part. my hands aren't necessarily clean on that bit. i just don't want to agonize about that stuff because try as i might i do if it enters my mind. same with the sad stuff that happened to me (usually this just involves being chicken shit and stupid and not realising that it's better to regret something you have done than something you haven't). i felt like i was finally getting to a place in life where that stuff wasn't bugging me anymore and now this stupid reunion comes up and i start hearing this about this person and that about that person and start running into random people from high school on the street here in chicago... why? what for? i went to what was supposedly one of the best public schools in the entire country, went to college, got a degree and for the love of god i still can't figure out why or what it did for me to make my life any better. college was a collosal waste of time and money. the only good thing about it was that i met stefanie in college, but considering the synchronicity of the two of us i wouldn't be surprised if we would've met later on anyway.
and then there's kara. i'm going to be very frank right now, so if you haven't got the stomach to read this then you'd better stop because i have to unburden myself here. there's a survey down a little further and on it is a question that says something to the effect of 'have you ever had your heart broken?' and i answered that i didn't think i had but i realise that i was wrong to answer that way. yeah, being a dumbass and letting her get away was enough to break my heart. that's why i had insomnia for about six months solid. of course seeing her didn't really do anything to make that any better- that just broke it even more because i really saw what that whole 'it's better to regret something you have done than to regret something you haven't.' i would prefer it if someone else had broken it deliberately instead of me doing it to myself without even knowing it. and the thing is is that i wrote that song (do you really have to ask?) so that i wouldn't feel bad about it anymore and it seemed to have worked. it was the kind of song i've always wanted to write- just kind of came out almost by accident, said everything i wanted to say (which was basically 'i'm sorry') and did it in a way that i was comfortable with. it's just that things like this come along and it just fucking sucks, you know? you get over something and get on with your life, but that isn't how things work evidently- you'll hear something that'll bring all of the feelings bubbling to the surface. naturally i have nothing better to do with my time right now than think about it. naturally the only weekend i can come home when everyone i want to see will be in town is the weekend of the fucking reunion, when the town will be crawling with people from high school and everyone in the mood to get together and rehash old times. fuck, i still feel like i'm in high school sometimes and it makes me pretty upset... it isn't real fun to think about how stupid you were back then... that's basically all i see when i look back- i was just a stupid kid. i'm still a stupid kid.
goddamn the internet....